You may or may not have noticed that I have been missing from my blog action for a while, besides failing through grammar school, I have just been finding it difficult, to put in writing what I have been, thinking, seeing and experiencing. It has become apparent to me however, that I have without a shred of doubt lost my mind in a most obscure manner. It seems, I have lost so much control that Jesus may have to come down from the heavens and take this wheel, before I crash and burn.
I would like to lie and say that I have been on a journey of self discovery, but what self is there to discover when you find out that parts of yourself are actually lodged and built from inspirations of others, thus feeling empty and lost when the others have to leave. Ok, so I am trying to sound deep and stuff and it really isn’t working for me because I am not one of those deeply intellectual types.
So, in the past few weeks I have been chillin’ like a villain, hanging with the girls and deciding whether we should carry on being naïve or is it finally safe for women to behave like manshees (women behaving badly… literally like men). Most of us are (me and my friends) waiting for that perfect guy. Yes, the one from the movies and instead of getting our Prince Charming we keep bumping into the great and cowardly Prince Harming… just in different body suites. I promise you if had you to hear some of these girls stories you would join a nunnery and never come out. It seems after you hit the 25 and single mark you are doomed to a life of crappy boyfriends and men that seriously have no idea what they doing. Not to say that there are no good guys out there… there probably are and I sincerely am moving towards forcing myself to have that belief.
Last weekend, I was sitting in a friend’s living room and there were about five girls discussing one particular guy, who in my opinion should have the douchebag of the month award. I mean I was shocked that there are actually men that would go that far to do whatever he thought he was. This guy is a card holding member in hell. Ok this guy… let’s call him Shiny. Shiny comes across as the type of guy that most women would appreciate. He drives nice cars, has a great job, owns properties and is well dressed and rather well spoken. My friend fell in head over heels. He seemingly gave her everything that she had wished for, she got flowers, she got the marriage proposal and as time progressed she got the drama too. Now all of this sounds normal, until she tells us the part where he kept a handbook in his car called ‘How to woo her’. (Ladies and gentlemen this is a true story.) Ok so, he is a player that gets his tips from a book… so, what? Right? Oh that was just the start. This guy had a golden tongue there was no question he couldn’t answer and no situation he was not ready for. My poor friend, dated this guy for months and not once had she ever been invited to his house or ever seen where he lived (I would call this strange, but she clearly thought different) when confronted with the question of why you never let me come visit he said: “I live with my sister and her kid and she will not like it when I bring a girl over.” Luckily this brought the alarm bells ringing and she decided she would tell a friend, after she told a friend the friend told the cleaner at work and the cleaner found out that the financial manager of the company was dating Shiny and so forth. (Don’t mess with the female CIA… we got everybody on our team even forensic specialists.) Now, she could have left there and then, but she decided that maybe they could work. It worked until she found out that he had four kids by four different women and wait for it… he was married too. This didn’t make sense to her at first, but when she looked at his behavior she realised that maybe it made a world of sense that Mr Shiny with a golden tongue was in fact a douche. Eventually she left him, but after hoping that he would explain himself better or make the bullshit go away. However, Mr Douchebag still thinks he can worm his way outta this one.
I wish the stories would end there, but it seems the plot thickens, many years ago when I was younger, sweeter, thinner, more naïve and had long flowing hair, I dated what / a man who I thought was the love of my life, to cut a long story short, our relationship was intense and in the end we grew tired of each other or maybe it was the realization we actually we were from two different worlds and trying to build a life out of that would have been as impossible as counting all the bricks that build up the wall of china in a day. Years passed without us making any contact and then one day out of the blue we decided that it would be a great idea to hang. Hanging was not the problem here, we had fun we realized how funny the other was and how we had missed those conversations and gossip sessions we had about mutual friends (yes, I sometimes gossip too. I am not as perfect as I seem, although I am kinda perfect.)
We spent the day, having the best time we had in a very long time, then like a wave coming over you whilst you take a quiet nap on the beach on a sunny day a sentence hit my ears and shot straight to my heart, piercing through my chest and leaving me breathless. On another day it would have been a rude assault, but somehow on this day it seemed to be the soft cares I needed to exhale, to finally release the intense heaviness and regret I was feeling. He said with the sincerest ease in the world ‘I love you’. For a moment I was lost in a place that I was not sure I wanted to return from - at that moment I wanted him to keep saying that forever. As if he knew my every thought, he drove us down memory lane and we remembered all the good times we had together and right then and there MAYBE reared her ambiguous face and we were left wanting to remain as we were for more than an hour, more than a day and maybe this time more than a life time. I was taken, my heart was filled with so much emotion and there is where I made the wrong decision. I felt for him because I believed him. I am not sure that I loved him, it seems impossible to when I think back.
So, let’s jump to the Drama then – after the great romantic moment he finally had the balls to say that he was seeing someone, which brought me to the great decision that we should never ever see each other ever again. He was adamant that we could make it work and we needn’t worry about the other complications. I hate duality and I let him know, so I left feeling like I had just gone through a break-up… again. My heart was, jumping around on the floor of my car as I drove off promising to never ever entertain idea that love was meant for me ever again. I walked away to walk away forever.
That night I happened to run into an old mutual friend and he innocently told me that ‘Mr ex I love you’ was getting married, weird I thought I just saw him yesterday and he wanted to start over. As much as I looked like I was enjoying my tenth serving of Absolut, I was actually hoping that one day he could drown in a sea of Vodka and never be found again. All I could hear in my head was ‘die you lying no good piece of TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT’. But, being the lady that I am I sent him an sms congratulating him. I didn’t expect a reply, I didn’t expect anything. I just expected the ground to open up and eat me alive. An hour later I met a gorgeous model and every line I heard from there was from some movie, but he managed to make me feel beautiful and over the entire thing.
Writing this I feel rather confused, I keep wondering if there is any salvation for men these days. I do strongly believe that there are at least 10 good honest guys out there. Could it be that, my friends and I are so disillusioned we are now attracting all the dirt, but somehow I find myself searching for answers and trying to figure out WTF has gone wrong here. Every time it seems that someone has the opportunity to change my mind, they fuck it up. And yes, some might say that I am forgeting that there is a weird looking guy that wants to give me the world, but I don’t like him. So, why can’t the guys that I like be the good guys? I am also tired of blogging about my love life misadventures. It gets tired after one or two posts. There has to be an answer or some kind of formula out there. And well, since we decided manshees we realized that unleashing revenge on men by behaving like they do is just tiring and playing that many games had me confused tired and… did I mention confused? Now I have a new reputation of being a male basher / emasculator. I love men and I think they are a beautiful species I just want to understand; WHY IN THE FUCK ARE THEY SOOOOO BLOODY MESSED UP? I wish I had this profound and beautiful ode to love and happiness to write, but I remain drifting further and further into disillusionment. I remain hoping, but you know what they say… Hope is dangerous because it never tells you when to stop…
Peace out homies
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