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I wake up in the morning, truth is I didn’t wake up I just got out of the bed, its either the sleep comes or it doesn’t. My mind is filled with many different things and everyday when I wake up and check my e-mails I get angrier, nothing is going like it should, every week seems shittier than the one before, my hair is falling out again. Nothing feels like the reality I once knew, even when I stare into the mirror I see a different stranger everyday. My body refuses to move, my voice refuses to speak and my mind is lost in a coma of depression. The world is so surreal so far away, I am blind once again. So utterly lost as a being. I asked God where I should go? He kept me hoping and this hope is killing me, I have no idea when or how to stop. Uninspired I stare into barrels, shooting guns and ammunition flying everywhere past me… there’s a me that longs to meet with death and dance till the midnights sun rises, but I cannot because to die is not be any more, my vanity is still driven by these useless materials, the bane of my existence, the inspiration of my sadness, nothing is real, I touch myself, hurt myself, because I do not recognise the intruder living inside of me. We are all trapped in here. We want, we long for everything, but nothing is real… except for the pain, the pain feels more real, it makes me feel alive, it wakes me from deep slumber, it shatters dreams that may have been… its like trying to fly when you never got wings… I keep staring into the barrel, I polish a gun, I hold the ammunition, once again I am holding a gun against my head ….

juju Beans

Thembi switched off the heater in the car, her face felt like it was turning a shade of deep purple from the heat, obviously her dark skinned face had not changed colour she just imagined that it did. Sitting in the traffic she thought about the weirdness of the music that played on the radio, she changed stations and realized that maybe every radio station she tried was part of a conspiracy to make her day an annoying one. Cars were moving at 10km an hour, an annoying nasal female voice on the radio said that there was an accident not too far from where her car was, she just hoped that it would all be over soon so she could sit at her desk and stare into space. she looked around at the people in other cars. next to her there was a girl in a silver Golf 5, she looked vain, conceited and all those words that describe someone who thinks they own the world. There in mid traffic, this girl was busy putting on makeup, never mind the fact that the nasally radio presenter had just said that there was an accident. Miss Golf 5 was at it, with one eye open she applied her mascara and she could still move her car forward, Thembi figured this must be a special talent. Thembi carried on looking around and saw a skinny guy in a green Corolla making sure that whatever was up his nose was gone for good. he dug his nose so vigorously she figured he must be enjoying it. Traffic was really moving slowly, she decided to grab the binoculars from the cubby hole and checked what was going on ahead. it seemed the cars were struggling to sneak through one lane. "That's Jozi drivers for you" she thought, "very inconsiderate, not letting each other through, five cars fighting over one lane." Finally she got to the open lane, drove through and the rest of the freeway was as clear as day.

As she drove on the N1 towards Polokwane, Thembi felt her stomach grumble, it had been a while since she had eaten, in fact the last time she had anything to eat was the day before at lunch time, she decided that she would to the nearest garage and get a small snack. her stomach began to feel like it was a big hole that had an endless cavity, the hunger was driving her mad. As she thought about her hunger, she wondered about the guy in the green Corolla and thought if he digs out so many boogers if he felt as hungry as she was would he eat the boogies? She made a gag motion and realized that she just missed her off ramp. She got annoyed and took the next one. When she got to the end of the off Ramp the robots were red she noticed guys selling a few things on the side of the road. She asked herself why they never sell anything useful? it was always stuff that you never needed like how you would be wearing sunglasses and they would try sell you sunglasses. Or because you drive a Fiat try to sell you a Fiat sticker. Nobody who drives a Fiat wants to drive a Fiat, they want to drive a Ferrari, so why would you want to carry on with the humiliation of being a fiat driver by even getting the fiat sticker? She turned right at the robots and carried on down a road called Lynwood. She passed the first robots before, they became red and then just before the second robots her Fiat came an absolute standstill. The car would not move. She tried to restart, scream at it and even got out to kick it. The damn thing just wouldn't move. She knew it, this had to happen on the one day that she was later a pregnant woman for her monthlies. Thembi spat at the car, got her bag locked it and started walking. The car was slap bang in the middle of the road. Thembi had a thing against driving on the fast lane or the slow lane, she believed that the middle lane was the best lane because you could go left or right as you pleased. This she loved. Cars were hooting and people screaming at her, she carried on walking… she couldn’t be bothered. She was however, worried about her shoes, she wondered about the wear and tear and if she would make it to the office in heels without falling to her knees from a grand bout of fatigue and feet aching.

Walking is an amazing thing, Thembi began to realize the world around her, she saw things that she possibly passed all the time, just never noticed because she was zooming past in her not so flashy, not so fast either Fiat. She thought of how many people missed these insignificant construction sights that she was seeing.

A few blocks down the road she had to cross the street, she watched as the cars rushed passed a man in leather pants and a torn jacket, the colour of his face looked like the colour of his leather pants. He was trying to distribute flyers at the robots, people passed him, closed their windows or shooed him off. He was relentless, with some people; he slipped the papers in as they rolled up the windows. Thembi became rather curious, about what the flyer had in it. Why did he want to give it out so badly? Surely he truly believed in what the flyer was selling or saying.

Thembi crossed the seemingly busy street and slowly walked towards the man with leathery black skin. As, she approached he gave her a grin with missing teeth… actually all his teeth were yellow and he had random gaps between them, she couldn’t tell whether the teeth were missing or if he was just born with teeth cluttered around.

She walked passed him and he followed her with a gaze, as she reached the other side of the street she felt a sandpaper like touch grab her hand. Before she could turn around her nostrils were hit by a random stench that 3 day long shower would not help one bit. The leathery man was trying to get her attention. She gave him death stare, but he was not phased he had a goal and no matter how much Thembi would protest he would not relent.

“Bootifool gal you tek the fire?” “Excuse me?” Thembi answered
“You tek Fire?”
“No thank you.”
“You mus it help with sad face. Make you good and happy now now.”
“No thank you.”
Thembi realized that she had been walking for a while now and the leathery man had left his duties at the robot to pester her down the street. “Pease, just take aan.”
“Ok fine! I will take one if you promise to leave me alone.”
She grabbed a flyer from him that read ‘DR Ogudu from Nigeria can fix marriage, penis enlargement, court case, even get you car, house or married’
Thembi looked at the flyer and wanted to burst out laughing, she read on and realized that – this DR Ogudu from Nigeria claimed that he could fix anything and everything. ‘Try my car’ she thought

The anthology of our bruised soles

There are days when you wake up and you feel like you have been walking for years, there are times where you feel like the entire universe has just spiraled out of control, there are even times where you may feel that taking the next breath is too much effort… but none of these times worse than when you cannot see a solution, a time when the future eludes you and you feel like you are falling into an endless dark cavity, that manages to swallow you and everything you are.

This is the point where you feel you cannot return and you cannot go forward, you are stuck with a deafening scream that takes everything and swoops hope from the depths of your gut and you lie there… nothing…nothing but a worthless turd breathing … a waste of humanity… a feeling worse than that of the passage to the dead.

Who says death is not beauty, a walk through life exposes an enchantment in this deep sleep, a new blossom for the wounded souls. This is a paradise filled orchids inhabited by Phoenix that reject to fly, a place where the darkness is yet a mere dim light…

I dream of a place where the bruises on my soles heal.

Social Network Society's Toe Jam

I have told many stories about my everyday adventures and as most of you may have realized there is never a dull moment - the truth is there is always a dull moment, I just happen to be able to take the bore out of any story. I guess you can call it the ‘gift of spicing’. But, anyway that is not what I want to blog about. The other day as I was reading Frantz Fanons wretched of the earth I came across a line, which to me was very profound. He said: “The Native is an oppressed person whose permanent dream is to become the persecutor.” Now I would like my readers to bear in mind that I am about to bastardise this great psychologist and writers quote by adding y own new age social network analysis that might leave my blog hungrier for followers than it currently is.

As we have all seen and heard the twitter phenomenon has hit the world by storm (ok not that big a storm, but its doing well). I always hear the same argument between twitter and Facebook users: twitter people are smarter than facebook people and twitter people are narcissistic etc, etc. However, we cannot prove any of this as there are no IQ tests taken when you join a social network _ all we know is that you can read, write and upload pictures, which more or less is what is required. At times facebook people tend to use the social network as their diaries, but at the end of the day it is their page, so they should be allowed to say whatever they would like, I find the people that live to critisise what the others do to be the worst, they get on my nerves because they play the role of holier than thou or rather in this day and age better off than you (truth be told I find these critics rather pretentious and they try too hard to smarter and so above it all).

Actually that reminds me, I was at a function, ‘do ‘ or thing not too long ago where a friend of mine sat bored and going through her facebook on her mobile. I am not quiet sure what she saw on Facebook but, minutes later whatever she saw became a conference call that demanded her to head outside and call a few people. I always wonder, do we really care that much about what people do? Do you care so much that you want to spend your hard earned money and call people to discuss what you saw on another person’s wall? If that is the case I would rather be considered narcissistic, what other people post bothers me very little unless I think it is funny, informative or they are talking directly to me. Which may be the reason why I found the links on twitter informative and the one liners people threw around worthy of my incredibly toothy grin.

Twitter was, for the longest time in my case a place that, I could read short version of what people had to say and get links to read the papers … oh and make friends with some really cool people that share the same interests as me such as books, animals, art, fashion and the list goes on. The more I got into the network the more I began to take interest in people and things, so much so that I have met some amazing and intelligent people in real life. For me, it was an amazing experience - it was networking without the clutter.

Lately however, which actually brings me to the quote I have been dying to share I have noticed that (I cant call them haters) the somewhat angered individuals are now rearing their heads on twitter. Now this is a different crowd all together, these kids or grown ups or whatever they are out for blood, they are renowned for their ability to attack people that are doing better than they are, start or perpetuate what they call ‘twitter wars’ and start trending topics that are dumber than my pet pig wearing a tutu.

Just the other day I was going through my twitter home page when I was met with retweets from the fuelers applauding a marauding fool as he critisised an artist for putting together his work. All of a sudden these people are experts on all subject matters, yet they are societies toe jam. It is however ok not to like something, but these people build their social network popularity by attacking, fueling or defecating on peoples work or quality of life. When I was reading through Frantz Fanons Wretched of the earth and came across a quote that said: “The Native is an oppressed person whose permanent dream is to become the persecutor.” I actually took that line out of the context of the book and looked at our dear friends that gain popularity from making people look bad and for me that one quote seemed to summarise what these people are (I told you I was about to bastardise the quote).

Thing is, its ok not to like something, we all have different tastes. If you don’t like it leave it alone. But what I have read from these marauders is that, they dream of being someone special, someone big or well, known, so when someone takes some of their work put it out there (hard work mind you) they jump on a band wagon to deface it so they can be popularity points without lifting a finger, they just spew hatred and venom. Their spirits are so oppressed by their talentless mundane lives that they devise a way to be the suppressors. It has become a disgusting social network trend where people who live to shit on people who work hard… Are you that depraved?

I have one question for them though… when will these marauders ever show us something worth appraisal or even the odd green eye? And oh I am not just talking about fame, education counts here also.

Faith, Love, Beauty...

The silence that I heard in the dark night’s stillness awoke a longing in me I had forgotten to feel. One day the sun shone to harshly on my face that I was blinded, but the longing that filled me led me to a space where my mind could not breath. I walked through the valley of heartache and felt the whipping sorrow on my bare back, I longed for asylum but God refused to hear my whimpering spirit. I whispered and wailed as the thorns broke my bare already bleeding feet, and each day was gloomier than the past.

I had been forsaken

In the distance no light shone for me, until I met a weeping man with bloodied hands, he showed me the way forward and taught me that life lay in my hands… instantly I wanted to die, by my own hand. I knelt down by the river side and felt a sting as I pushed a dagger to my heart. I awoke to find a glaring stranger mesmerized by the colour of my blood. I sat up and recognized love because her beauty was so immense it blinded all my pain.

Hey Mr Government... kiss my *$@#

Ola! Eita! Dumelang! Moweni! Sanibonani! Ahe! Hello! Hallo! There I tried a new way to start my post and it still sounds like crap. So, what to talk about today, actually I am rather angry as I write this. I am actually disgusted and yes, this may be a late reaction (well, at least a late public reaction). My reaction is late because I had to sit and think about how disgusted I am at the way things are going and I had to decide what I thought was worse.
So, babies are dying, people are dying! Is it possible that we human beings have become so arrogant that we think that we can decide who can live or not? As, some of you may know, I believe in the preservation of human life, no matter what the circumstances and yes I do not believe in the death penalty either, like I said I believe in the preservation of human life.
I don’t watch the news, but I drive around a lot, so I get to hear what is going on via my jollopies radio (wireless). Lately the strikes have taken up most news reports and because my sister is in the medical profession I get to hear how bad it is in the hospitals; Like Bara where there was just one Nurse working on attending to thousands of patients. And it’s not just the nurses that are at this the teachers are at it too. In other words no health care and no education.
Before I sound too judgmental and subjective, I understand that they had to make good enough demonstration to get their demands met – understood. Yet, I think to myself there could have been other solutions to this problem, rather a less brutal manner of putting the point forward.
The teachers are striking this means that kids in public schools are not learning anything until the strikes stop. We already don’t have the best standard of education at public schools and now the kids are already two weeks behind. Now imagine if you were the dumbest kid in the class and you were already having a hard time getting by and now, you have to deal with not going to school, which in your case with your lacking IQ, you are pretty much fucked. So, I would guess that it is safe to say that there will be a few kids that will be repeating classes next year. That kinda sucks… learning the same stuff that you did the year before, because the government had no idea what inflation was (morons). The teachers piss me off, yes they do, because at the end of the day to take a job like that you should be putting the kids first, but the nurses make my stomach turn.
These bloody nurses… are rotten the whole lot of them. They make me so mad I could throw things at them… those idiots with bad hairlines. Now nurses take a Hippocratic Oath right and in that oath although I do not have the exact details I am pretty sure that it states they should at all times preserve life and so, far during their strike they have caused so many deaths… even babies! Babies are not being fed; patients are being turned away from the hospitals women are giving birth on pavements. Really? Is this how it is going down? Letting people die for money, I understand that nurses are not getting paid enough, but to let someone die for money? I am shocked, appalled, disgusted and every other word that describes a person who is sickened by another’s actions.
So, what message am I reading from this… well, Mr Government sitting in front of your DSTV big screen eating KFC and washing it down with a Mcflurry ice cream, I see that you are telling me to go right ahead and die sick, ignorant and uneducated. In SA we have a huge gap between the have and the have nots. Thank God, Mr Government’s child is in a private school and they have state paid medical aid and all in all this bull shit doesn’t not affect them. So, I sit there and I think; oh so, because I am poor it’s ok for me to not get education and health care for a while. It is ok to let my family die, because we can’t go to Sandton Medi Clinic. Well I say Fuck you then! Just pay the people for God’s sake and stop this embarrassing display.
To the Nurses and teachers, you should be ashamed of yourselves! Especially the Nurses, you should be embarrassed when you look in the mirror when brushing your teeth. I understand that you are underpaid and frustrated… and yes, the government should hear you out. But is it worth all those lives? All those young idle minds?
To you the reader, what are you doing? Are you sitting there shaking your head and saying: “OMG this is terrible and then going home to your Weylandts couch and Sony Bravia, perched on top of a stand with all the bestselling titles ever released? How about getting off your virgin active yoga ass and doing something!!! It’s time you got angry too!!! Time you drove that shiny car of yours to a hospital and brought food for the babies, or even drove to a township and tutored some kids that are sitting idle. Shaking your head and saying ‘OMG its so wrong’ is not helping anyone.
DO SOMETHING.

Steady Sailing

You may or may not have noticed that I have been missing from my blog action for a while, besides failing through grammar school, I have just been finding it difficult, to put in writing what I have been, thinking, seeing and experiencing. It has become apparent to me however, that I have without a shred of doubt lost my mind in a most obscure manner. It seems, I have lost so much control that Jesus may have to come down from the heavens and take this wheel, before I crash and burn.

I would like to lie and say that I have been on a journey of self discovery, but what self is there to discover when you find out that parts of yourself are actually lodged and built from inspirations of others, thus feeling empty and lost when the others have to leave. Ok, so I am trying to sound deep and stuff and it really isn’t working for me because I am not one of those deeply intellectual types.

So, in the past few weeks I have been chillin’ like a villain, hanging with the girls and deciding whether we should carry on being naïve or is it finally safe for women to behave like manshees (women behaving badly… literally like men). Most of us are (me and my friends) waiting for that perfect guy. Yes, the one from the movies and instead of getting our Prince Charming we keep bumping into the great and cowardly Prince Harming… just in different body suites. I promise you if had you to hear some of these girls stories you would join a nunnery and never come out. It seems after you hit the 25 and single mark you are doomed to a life of crappy boyfriends and men that seriously have no idea what they doing. Not to say that there are no good guys out there… there probably are and I sincerely am moving towards forcing myself to have that belief.

Last weekend, I was sitting in a friend’s living room and there were about five girls discussing one particular guy, who in my opinion should have the douchebag of the month award. I mean I was shocked that there are actually men that would go that far to do whatever he thought he was. This guy is a card holding member in hell. Ok this guy… let’s call him Shiny. Shiny comes across as the type of guy that most women would appreciate. He drives nice cars, has a great job, owns properties and is well dressed and rather well spoken. My friend fell in head over heels. He seemingly gave her everything that she had wished for, she got flowers, she got the marriage proposal and as time progressed she got the drama too. Now all of this sounds normal, until she tells us the part where he kept a handbook in his car called ‘How to woo her’. (Ladies and gentlemen this is a true story.) Ok so, he is a player that gets his tips from a book… so, what? Right? Oh that was just the start. This guy had a golden tongue there was no question he couldn’t answer and no situation he was not ready for. My poor friend, dated this guy for months and not once had she ever been invited to his house or ever seen where he lived (I would call this strange, but she clearly thought different) when confronted with the question of why you never let me come visit he said: “I live with my sister and her kid and she will not like it when I bring a girl over.” Luckily this brought the alarm bells ringing and she decided she would tell a friend, after she told a friend the friend told the cleaner at work and the cleaner found out that the financial manager of the company was dating Shiny and so forth. (Don’t mess with the female CIA… we got everybody on our team even forensic specialists.) Now, she could have left there and then, but she decided that maybe they could work. It worked until she found out that he had four kids by four different women and wait for it… he was married too. This didn’t make sense to her at first, but when she looked at his behavior she realised that maybe it made a world of sense that Mr Shiny with a golden tongue was in fact a douche. Eventually she left him, but after hoping that he would explain himself better or make the bullshit go away. However, Mr Douchebag still thinks he can worm his way outta this one.

I wish the stories would end there, but it seems the plot thickens, many years ago when I was younger, sweeter, thinner, more naïve and had long flowing hair, I dated what / a man who I thought was the love of my life, to cut a long story short, our relationship was intense and in the end we grew tired of each other or maybe it was the realization we actually we were from two different worlds and trying to build a life out of that would have been as impossible as counting all the bricks that build up the wall of china in a day. Years passed without us making any contact and then one day out of the blue we decided that it would be a great idea to hang. Hanging was not the problem here, we had fun we realized how funny the other was and how we had missed those conversations and gossip sessions we had about mutual friends (yes, I sometimes gossip too. I am not as perfect as I seem, although I am kinda perfect.)

We spent the day, having the best time we had in a very long time, then like a wave coming over you whilst you take a quiet nap on the beach on a sunny day a sentence hit my ears and shot straight to my heart, piercing through my chest and leaving me breathless. On another day it would have been a rude assault, but somehow on this day it seemed to be the soft cares I needed to exhale, to finally release the intense heaviness and regret I was feeling. He said with the sincerest ease in the world ‘I love you’. For a moment I was lost in a place that I was not sure I wanted to return from - at that moment I wanted him to keep saying that forever. As if he knew my every thought, he drove us down memory lane and we remembered all the good times we had together and right then and there MAYBE reared her ambiguous face and we were left wanting to remain as we were for more than an hour, more than a day and maybe this time more than a life time. I was taken, my heart was filled with so much emotion and there is where I made the wrong decision. I felt for him because I believed him. I am not sure that I loved him, it seems impossible to when I think back.

So, let’s jump to the Drama then – after the great romantic moment he finally had the balls to say that he was seeing someone, which brought me to the great decision that we should never ever see each other ever again. He was adamant that we could make it work and we needn’t worry about the other complications. I hate duality and I let him know, so I left feeling like I had just gone through a break-up… again. My heart was, jumping around on the floor of my car as I drove off promising to never ever entertain idea that love was meant for me ever again. I walked away to walk away forever.

That night I happened to run into an old mutual friend and he innocently told me that ‘Mr ex I love you’ was getting married, weird I thought I just saw him yesterday and he wanted to start over. As much as I looked like I was enjoying my tenth serving of Absolut, I was actually hoping that one day he could drown in a sea of Vodka and never be found again. All I could hear in my head was ‘die you lying no good piece of TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT’. But, being the lady that I am I sent him an sms congratulating him. I didn’t expect a reply, I didn’t expect anything. I just expected the ground to open up and eat me alive. An hour later I met a gorgeous model and every line I heard from there was from some movie, but he managed to make me feel beautiful and over the entire thing.

Writing this I feel rather confused, I keep wondering if there is any salvation for men these days. I do strongly believe that there are at least 10 good honest guys out there. Could it be that, my friends and I are so disillusioned we are now attracting all the dirt, but somehow I find myself searching for answers and trying to figure out WTF has gone wrong here. Every time it seems that someone has the opportunity to change my mind, they fuck it up. And yes, some might say that I am forgeting that there is a weird looking guy that wants to give me the world, but I don’t like him. So, why can’t the guys that I like be the good guys? I am also tired of blogging about my love life misadventures. It gets tired after one or two posts. There has to be an answer or some kind of formula out there. And well, since we decided manshees we realized that unleashing revenge on men by behaving like they do is just tiring and playing that many games had me confused tired and… did I mention confused? Now I have a new reputation of being a male basher / emasculator. I love men and I think they are a beautiful species I just want to understand; WHY IN THE FUCK ARE THEY SOOOOO BLOODY MESSED UP? I wish I had this profound and beautiful ode to love and happiness to write, but I remain drifting further and further into disillusionment. I remain hoping, but you know what they say… Hope is dangerous because it never tells you when to stop…

Peace out homies