lookatyou - unedited version

Lookatyou
Memoirs of a labelled woman.

By Ashima Chumi
Chumile Goqwana























Book one

It sweeps through you like an unwelcome wind knocking you off balance and blowing your skirt up way over your eyes, exposing your bits to the world leaving you hurt and humiliated, wondering who saw you, who didn’t and what they thought. It’s hard to keep face when you are wondering what the next person thinks. Nobody ever tells us that it’s really about what we think. What you think of yourself is what really matters. That is the first line that William read to me when he told me he left his job to get his life back, he had written a poem, a poem that touched my soul and made me wonder: Am I on my way to getting my life back or am I still lost in the humiliation of being discarded like the trash I was discarded for.


Chapter 1
“No, no Tasha, this is too much I can’t go on any further!” I was huffing and puffing tired as hell, I felt like I had run for seven days straight, but not according to Tasha. In Tasha’s expert opinion I had just made it past the five meter mark, I was so out of breath the only reply I had was: “I will wait for you here” If you know me that is quintessential me – lazy old, actually young Chippy. I honestly would rather be reading a book or watching a movie. Never did get why my roommate Tasha always made a point to involve me in her jogs. Note to self: lock the door when you go to bed and don’t open in the morning or sleep in the car. Just do something as long as it’s not this.

It was a mild Saturday morning, I mean my body knew this, but it seemed my mind had no idea, in my mind it was a dreary cold storming Monday morning, I could feel the stress of the day coming on, it felt like I was about to go and work in a bank and count all the 1c coins in Southern Africa. Yes, the smell of dread, Tasha just wanted to jog around the reservoir, but to me it looked like miles and miles of endless tar that went around forever and ever and seven days. I tried not to be bothered, as I have mentioned before it was a Saturday morning, I am sure I don’t have to mention that the day before was Friday and in my world every Friday is my birthday. Just minutes earlier as we left the house I had to wade my way through streamers confetti and burst balloons, but Tasha was as strong as a bull, never letting up.

I watched her perfectly shaped backside and legs move further and further away from me as I stumbled like an injured pig around the reservoir, I experienced all kinds of flushes, hot flushes, cold flushes, I swear I even had lukewarm flushes, it just wasn’t my day and I don’t think that was about to change. Tahsa decided to wait up, whilst jogging on the same spot, so I picked up my speed, (bad idea) next thing I remember was the breakfast I was not suppose to have before jogging, but had anyway on my dear friend and roommates sneakers, I laughed, she turned a shade I had never seen on black skin ever. I was glad this was my chance to end the torture, to head on home and get some shut eye or more breakfast, I mean whatever it was that I was going to get did not involve me putting my poor muscles through undeserved pain. So, I put on my sick face and headed home (across the street. It still felt like I was walking up table Mountain).
Aah home sweet home I thought, now for some early morning Billy Holiday, my cell-phone and a great plan for the day. Whilst thinking this, I know as well as the next guy or gal that there no Saturday plans in Cape town, you just show up at Arnold’s. Everyone from last night will be there anyway and chances are you will run a fat bill there or end up at the beach or at a wine farm. There are no plans in Cape Town, there are just beautiful days and unlike Tasha I wanted to experience mine without muscle aches. I wonder where she gets her stamina from, really that gal could race with horses as long as it was early in the morning and it involved putting me in agony.

I went through my morning routine: I walked to the fridge, scratched my head, wondered why I never ever do groceries and why I still maintained I was a vegetarian but kept having Nando’s peri peri chicken livers every chance I got. I swear I have never had answer to that simple yet ridiculously complex question. I guess it was my thing… you know how everyone has a thing, so I guess that was part of my thing… per se. After scratching my head I rubbed my nose, then scratched my left boob, closed the fridge went to the bedroom stared at the mess, climbed over it and tried to put together an outfit, picked up a wig, wondered whether I should wear it, then put it down and finally decided to just let the bush on my head be.

“Chippy! Chippy, open the door; I’m home open the door man. Oh crap Tasha’s back and she is going to want to do her cool down exercise routine. “Aaaarrrggghhhh… Yeah coming Tash.” “I heard you Chippy… hayi suka… yho… chick has like… so much energy.” I walk to the door, open for her then I start walking out. “Chippy…” “Yes, Tasha my love?” “Where are you going?” “What do you mean? It’s Saturday Tash, Arnold’s day… you know where I get to look cool and talk crap the whole day and end up at the coolest places ‘cause I just met new friends.” “Good luck meeting anyone in your underwear and gym t-shirt.” I had forgotten I had forgotten that I had not bathed, that I was in my gym gear (at least half); I had forgotten that I still had morning breath… I mean we are all about looking different and cool, but today’s look just wasn’t about to be a street fashion favourite. And that was the first day that I realized that I was loosing my mind. Given that I had probably been losing it for a while.


***


Arnold’s. Sounds, smells, and different streets looks, if you are not dressed for the R10 (two eggs, two rashers of bacon, one ostrich sausage and some weird brown toast) breakfast you are probably not from around. Who doesn’t show off their new spitfire sunglasses, or their vintage caps, dresses, shoes, shorts and sneakers? A day to be seen a day to be seen. And me, well, I am Chippy the unofficial mayor of Long Street, everybody knows who I am, if you don’t know who I am you must be from somewhere else or really boring. I don’t like boring people, it kind of reminded me of the time I thought it would be cool to be Rasta or deep I used to sit with people that would tell longwinded stories about this or that moving this way or that way and next thing you know it would be the next day, but not before their faces became distorted and the colours on their faces darkened until my eyes started tearing and my mouth kept opening wide in a relaxing stretch. They would go on and on and my mind would wander, like the way it did when I attended my Economics lecture.

I would watch the carpet and it would unravel, I swear it was way more interesting than what they had to say. The threads of the carpet would begin to move form each other. A brown carpet would unravel and I would discover the greens, the reds, the purples and the blacks that blended to make a dark brown. I would watch it climb out of itself and into mid air then I would see the cement under it lift and all the elements mixed to make one solid slab would separate and just float about the room as if they were trying to escape the excruciatingly boring dialogue that was carrying on above them. I really, really hate being bored.

“Eeehhh!!! Chippy, we are over here, come join us.” “Ok, in a minute guys.” That was also my thing I walked in and I would be swamped, Chippy lovers I used to call them, these were my friends, I was neither male nor female to them I was just Chippy. Chippy the loud mouth, Chippy the life saver, Chippy the driver, Chippy the ideas chick, Chippy I need an outfit as in yesterday Chippy, but above all I was Chippy I can give u a helping hand Chippy. I loved people they loved me, but it wasn’t always like that.




























Chapter 2

I remember growing up, I wasn’t always known as Chippy. Chippy is a name I picked up on my teenage adventures… ok fine I never had teenage adventures, it was a name I kinda gave myself when I got to college. I figured Xoliswa didn’t work as good I mean first of all the name means apology and I wanted to meet people of all races and they would have to end up calling me X… which to me was not that cool as at the time the was a rap character called Xzibit and I didn’t want people chanting songs by him at me any longer. High school was enough, so from my first year onwards I was known as Chippy. Why? I just had a new found chip on my shoulder. Not the girl who always looked down when she walked. No one knew who I was and I liked it that way and no other.

I never had friends growing up, there were just people that you kind of had to be friends with because you all went to church together or you were in the same class at school. It was tough, I was never black enough, never white enough, never colored enough and besides the name I adopted later in life never Indian enough either. I was just an all round freak of a child. I didn’t care much for anything else except my Barbie collection and that huge red fairy tail book. I remember the beautiful big pages expertly bound together with strings. The colours on the drawings flew magically from the pages straight to my eyes, I read the stories over and over again and every time it felt like I had never read the story before. I could never get enough of my book, it was; for a long time the only friend that I knew.

I used to watch kids playing outside, they would play all these strange games outside our yard, and sometimes I think they played the games just to taunt me. In my head I figured they knew that we were not allowed to go out, so they would play there just to show me how unfun my life was, I would watch for a while and wonder what it would be like to step out and go jumping over pantyhose, but then the fantasy would soon end. I would imagine trying to jump over the pantyhose and then getting entangled in it, getting wrapped up and trapped … waiting for some giant spider to come and rip me to pieces and devour me. At that point I would run straight to the house, grab a doll, grab my book and chose a great adventure to go on with my doll.

It was amazing, whilst they jumped around over and over, arguing about who had to jump over the pantyhose, we saw unicorns, flying monkeys, talking dogs, bats that turned to vampires, dwarfs that housed a princess, an emperor fooled into not wearing his clothes, little red shoes, pigs that built houses, glass slippers, monks in foreign lands, we saw hieroglyphics we could not decipher, we even learnt that there is no place like home.

Some days it would just be about the dolls, cutting curtains here and there and making pretty dresses for them, I liked my dolls I liked the way the looked, smelled and how they just were there, today the were princesses tomorrow they were super heroes. It was all about creating a new world, a world I could control, but as soon as I made friends, the friends outside the gate, I found that people were not always nice… not the small town people. For some reason being different in a small town is worse than treason. And there beyond those pearly white gates at my parent’s house, beyond that neatly manicured lawn, beyond those fairy lamps that hung on each side of the high walls that sheltered our existence, beyond my childhood sanctuary, I learnt what to hate, hurt and want to die were, I learnt life in its ugliest yet most beautiful form. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that was stalking me beyond the pearly white gates. Nothing


***

Arnold’s was packed. “Hey Chippy!” “Hey Vusa” “Ok Darl, I took the liberty of ordering you the breakfast, you know the budget one, not sure how you want your eggs…” I stared at him as he carried on his voice faded and started sounding further and further away, I do that sometimes, I let people think that I am listening, but I am not. I find humans self cantered the first thing they think about is themselves and you are always in relation to them. Notice how Vusa never asked how I was or even if I wanted the breakfast he took the liberty of ordering. It’s about him, he is hungry and hung-over so everyone must feel the way he does, but I don’t. I have been up for hours.

Vusa is a great guy. When you first meet him you could bet your last R100 that he is gay – I mean with the sequined shorts, gold glitter on his chest, mascara and nail polish it’s easy to make that assumption. I did long ago, but I was wrong, he just enjoys his freedom to express himself artistically and selfishly a bit too much, but ya gotta love him. If it wasn’t for him I doubt I would have ended up at the strangest places I have ever been to. Like first year - Gandalphs… I was a girl from the deep dark rural villages of the Eastern Cape and here I was with this strange guy who took me to a Goth club… Goth is satanic at my mom’s church… when we are shown pictures of Satanists they show us Goths. Yeah, don’t worry I learnt soon enough that Goth was more of an obsession with black more than anything. Just like feminism (to my devastation) - I soon found was being prostituted by loud mouth girls who made it an excuse to bash men…not cool.

The breakfast arrives, Vusa got me scrambled eggs, bless his soul. Ever since an incident in boarding school I am not too sure that I can stomach eggs made any other way. They just remind me of my matric year… eish sies maan… I will tell the story when I am ready and sure that my tummy will not do back flips on me. So, there it was waiting to be eaten and the first thought that hits my mind is the morning jog or lack there of with Tash, the scrambled eggs just began to look too familiar. I looked up and I realized that Vusa is still talking and he just asked me a question (crap what the hell am I going to say to him) “Well answer me! Is it ok or not?” He says waving his left hand. “Yeah, yeah, sure.” I try to look away, so he does not see the: I was not listening look on my face, when just there he ripped of his shirt and showed us his freshly pierced nipples (I think they were still bleeding and I saw puss). Needless to say a few of us never made it to the bathroom and we had to leave the Saturday spot faster than we had anticipated.

Yet, deep down we always knew, if we got kicked out of somewhere, it was Vusa, if we got chased by the cops it was Vusa, if we got lost it was Vusa, if we found ourselves in another country… (It’s happened twice) It was our dear friend Vusa. We loved him but sometimes we wanted to kill him.

For some reason after we got kicked out everyone… oh I have not introduced them. Well, you know Vusa, then there was String (need I say more, he was skinny never said much was just always there) Lana, the dancer, prettiest thing you had ever seen. Thoko the chick who started hangin’ with us last night and Thabo the most pedantic, responsible person you will ever meet. Once he told us that when he makes love to a girl he uses two condoms just to make sure that he was extra safe. Creep. Ok Like I was saying for some reason after we all got kicked out everyone decided that my little red Uno was the best thing to get us to our next destination which was between nowhere and here. It was mid month we had to make a quick plan.

Did I mention I worked in an advertising agency… well I did. It was a hot Saturday, my car had no air conditioning, we had no money, very little gas and I had my work keys. “Hey Chippy that party at your work last night rocked hey.” Thoko was talking to me at this point I was not even sure what her name was, I just met her at the party and she followed us, or did she follow Thabo… all I remember is party hats, streamers, ribbons and me telling everyone that every Friday is my birthday. “Thanks lady, it was my birthday.” Just then I had a flash of brilliance… we were driving down Loop street leisurely and all of a sudden I turned the car as if I was dodging bullets from the cops. Short left short right, work keys, in, out… guess who has supplies for a picnic. Of course Chippy was met with cheers of joy… only if my little Uno was a convertible. Off to the beach we went and Vusa, well, Vusa put on some Beyonce and showed us what effects his sequined shorts could have on an unsuspecting crowd.






















Chapter 3

String remained his usual self… hardly said anything, at some point we believed that he might kill us in our sleep, because we picked on him, called him names and were just generally mean to him because he never said anything. We were not even sure how we met String, one day he wasn’t there and the next he was. Like that D12 song; ‘I was in the back.’ String was always that guy in the back. We would appear on TV, at parties, on the ramp at fashion shows, on a police line up. String was always in the back or getting the bail money. But, somehow we could just never get over him. As quiet as he was, it felt weird when String was not there - well, only because we had no one to be in the back.

Vusa loved String the most although he pretended not to notice him, when String was gone - Vusa would go on about him, but when he was around Vusa treated him like a coaster. String grew up in Natal, the original Zulu boy, smart as a freakin book… oh, that’s how we met him… he tutored us in the boring, horrid Economics subject thingy. Yes, we looked for the guy that got the highest marks and Bam! It was him. So, we became friends with him and we barely scraped by that course, but he remained our friend and like I said he was always in the back and Vusa’s coaster.

The one thing that I always suspected was that String had the biggest crush on Lana and that was the only reason he came on the escapades. I mean even the times we would be streaking on the beach he would be the there dumb struck by her beauty. I would look at him and he kind of looked like a clay doll with two buns as the mouth area and big puggy eyes… he almost looked like a coon cartoon just that his skin was a few shades lighter. Yet, his face lit up as much as it did when he stared at 2nd position 4th position Lana ( I will explain in a minute why we called her that – she didn’t even notice). Of course Thabo thought it was all creepy, he was the one who led us to think that String would kill us one of these days. He even said that String would start with Vusa, but Vusa turned around and said: “Of course darling… Murderers always start with the most fabulous person in the group.” That did leave us giggling – Vusa was wearing red lipstick that day.

I had met people like string in my life before, I used to know a girl just like String called Storm, she never said anything, she had blonde stringy hair that looked like she had no idea what shampoo was, but give her a book and she could show you miracles in eight different languages. Me being the opportunist that I am, I took a chance and I decided to make friends with her – I figured it could never hurt my high school career hanging with the hygiene challenged smart kid. I was wrong. I should have stayed behind the pearly white gates of my lonely crazy life, but I didn’t I wanted to belong somewhere.

Storm and I were on fire, she did my homework I provided the conversation and some shampoo. My grades became way better and her hair looked like it came out a 70’s shampoo ad where all the girls wear white and dance around in waterfalls. We were hot we were it and the next thing you know, all the girls in high school wanted to be a part of our group, but we didn’t have a group. I felt like I was being forced to run auditions for a girl band (maybe I should have done that instead). Then the boys came, I mean I was awkward and I never imagined that the guys at school would even look my way let alone Storms way, but when I looked at her I realized that the oily hair and bad hygiene was gone, now all anyone could see was a bright blue eyed blonde fox… wow I thought, what a work of art.

She was still as quiet as a mouse, I told her all my secrets like how I had a huge crush on Jedd… aaahhh Jedd, he had the best smile I had ever seen in my 15 years, olive skin, dark wavy hair and the best sense of humor I had ever come across, plus he was the only Jewish person I knew who ate pork. It was great, we would sit in my room late into the night and go on and on about how hot Jedd was… (you would have thought he had the stars in his eyes the way he used to go on). We giggled, we played silly girly games and we imagined our lives in varsity together. I guess I was the only one who didn’t know that we would make it that far.

One Monday morning, me being my usual self, lazy and really bored in Mathematics class, I put my hand up, asked to go to the bathroom and made my way out. I actually had planned to stay there till Maths class was over, but I was in for an even bigger surprise in the girls bathroom than I thought. Until that particular Monday I had never experienced racial tension or slander, but that day I actually woke up to the South Africa that I was living in. I knew I was black, but it was never as evident as it was that day. I grew up thinking that we weren’t different, that we were like a jelly beans pack, we were the same but different colours… I mean we all had noses, hair, brains the works, but whoever was behind what I was about to witness didn’t believe the same thing that I did, they thought different.

I walked into a bathroom stall, pulled up my dress, pulled down my hose, looked up and there behind the door, just like at a dodgy bar, graffiti, not arty graffiti, it was graffiti about me, I knew the hand writing… it said ‘Kaffir, Nigga whore, Fat Lipped Monkey’… I remember it went on to say ‘Stay away from Jedd… people don’t date monkeys’. I don’t know I did not want to believe what it said, but I had to - it was right in front of me. I was like a silly night mare. I asked God to wake me from this nightmare, but he didn’t, he couldn’t I had to live through it, as it would prepare me to deal with deeper scars, harder pains – it was the first of many to come.

I alerted the headmaster and somehow I could sense that this would end up being my fault. They found the culprit by the end of the day, I thought I was prepared to face whoever hated me, I had imagined that it could be one of the girls that wanted to join Storm and I’s nonexistent group, but it wasn’t them. I walked into our headmaster Dr Bridges office and there, right there was a head full of blonde wavy hair like in a 70’s commercial, head bowed down eyes bloodshot with tears, I looked at her, I stared at Storm, I walked out of the office, I realized that I actually did not want to know. I figured denial was a great route to take.

Tuesday Storm wasn’t in class, no one noticed, but I did. I just never really knew how to feel, what to think of her, but I figured I had forgiven her, there was no other way – after all, she was the only friend I had. I figured we could talk tomorrow. Wednesday came, tomorrow arrived, but Storm did not wake up with that days morning sun, she left with the night before and never returned; Storm was dead, by her own hand. Her father had a gun she saw it as the key and her heart a door knob, she entered the unknown world alone and miserable. When I opened my eyes the world was looking at me, they never asked, but I felt their stares questioning me, fingers pointing, people whispering, but no one asked me how I felt, no one cared what really happened, it was a juicy scandal and as it went from ear to ear it got juicier and juicier until I couldn’t recognize the story, I had no idea who it was about. Parental love kept my heart at ease… once again I was sheltered behind the pearly white gates. Love, love kept my heart alive and a part of me denied it had ever happened.

***


String loved Lana, I could see it, but somehow I feared quiet people, they seemed as though they could blow at any moment. I like Vusa, you can hear him a mile away and when he is annoyed or angry trust me you will know for days until he cools down. We once had a fight ‘cause I thought his girl was an ass and he didn’t talk to me for three months, but he forgave me after she called him gay because he suggested that they buy the same skirt, he thought it was ok and she didn’t.

As for String you never heard him you just saw him, the only time we ever heard him was after he graduated top of the class, that night was Strings night he celebrated like it was 1994 all over again, he taught us a new dance called Skotina, he was whistling and jumping up and down, at some point he left with a big famous drug dealer called Kit and came back talking and talking… thats actually how we got to know that he was from Natal and that he actually liked hanging around with us. It was an interesting night, because for the first time it felt as though String was an actual person and not a shadow. We were in awe, Lana smiled at him and I knew instantly that he felt like he ruled the world.


















Chapter 4

It seemed that Sundays were the days we woke up at Thabo’s place and like clock work every Sunday it would be the same. We would wake up to the loud sound of the vacuum cleaner, I would take my pillow throw it at him and curse him from here to Timbuktu, he would carry on and remind us that we need to go give thanks at Church… Lana would say: “What does it matter, you smell like a brewery anyway. I don’t think God will be too happy with the table dancing that happened last night.” For me it was a rather strange phenomenon, that every Saturday night we would go to the Waiting room above Royale, promise ourselves that we would never go to Marvel cause it just wasn’t the same and then end up on the tables at Marvel, having the wildest time ever. And as we left we all swore that it’s just not the same since the ‘other’ crowd started hanging out there.

Then Vusa was awake and as usual he said the same thing he says every Sunday. “Thabo my dear, I am never coming back to this house, I mean this is abuse of the worst kind (putting on his very serious Xhosa accent). How can you wake us up so early in the morning on a Sunday? Hayi! Don’t answer. We know this is your house, but do we have to remind you time and time again that we are sensitive and fragile and frail and all those words in the Morning. I mean really, when was the last time you let us have a good Sunday rest? If it’s not the vacuum cleaner it’s church! Do you think the preacher will like my new cherry lipstick? They say it compliments my beard.” As usual Thabo would roll his eyes and carry on cleaning.

I would try get up and get blinded by the sight of Thabo’s polished shoes. Everything was clean and neatly packed away. Thabo was the clean up guy… the guy you called when you were in a mess, the one you knew could get the job done. I looked up at him and he was already in a crisp white shirt ironed and without a crease or fold to be found, his chinos were so bone straight he looked like he had prosthetic legs under them. Hair brushed back, nails clean and well the house, it looked like a hospital, I could smell the disinfectant. Thabo was a pharmacist, but a weird pharmacist, the kind of pharmacist that didn’t work at a Pharmacy, but he was a pharmacist. He was always dressed neat and crisp, he looked a little like a model, with dark chocolate skin, perfect chiseled features, he had the craziest six pack I had ever seen with my own naked eye ( I am not talking TV), but he was aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnoooooyyyying. He cleaned everything and he was judgemental.

Vusa called him the judge of the mental mind cause he used to judge everything we did and then join in. We still had no idea why or how we ended up there every Sunday morning. String as usual would just sit and be quiet. “String, I am thirsty man, get me some water or something, sheesh!” That was always Vusa’s first sentence. Sometimes that got to me, because I felt like Vusa was trying to take over Strings life and I thought that wasn’t cool Vusa, was self centered, we all knew that, but sometimes he took it too far.

I could handle Vusa, I would switch off and pretend that he wasn’t there, but I could never do that with Luke, I could never ignore Luke no matter how much I tried. I bet you are wondering who Luke is. Well, until now, I have not mentioned me ever really having a love life and well after the Jedd saga, I kinda decided it would be best if I put things on ice for a while. Luke wasn’t a model look alike, he didn’t have chiseled features, he was rather comical looking, biggest head I have ever seen, he had red hair, freckles and yellowish red sort of skin, but on forms where you had to tick your race he went for the black box. He wasn’t really unfortunate looking he was just not your average guy. Maybe that is what I like, I liked how I saw incredible beauty in a place that most would swear it didn’t exist. That was Luke, not agreeable at all, but there was definitely something that drew me to him.


When I looked at Luke I could always see what mood he was in his eyes. To Luke life was about what the world owed him, how many people should pay ode to him. When I met Luke I thought he would change my world, it was amazing I was sure that the stars would fall from the sky. I listened to him, I followed him, I brought him home. I wanted to share my life with Luke so badly I let him cross the pearly white gates, I brought him to my sanctuary, I brought him home to the house of love, he saw where I used to sit and watch the world happen. He saw where I used to read fairytales and go on the greatest adventures. Most of all he saw where I run to every time my heart breaks. My only asylum, my only sanity. Luke received a red carpet welcome to my world, he took the carpet shat on it and wiped his ass with the corner. Luke was about Luke and what Luke got out of everything, but I loved Luke so no matter how much Vusa said “Oh no lady friend … you are too Fab for him.” I was all about Luke.

***

We couldn’t decide whether or not to go to church with Thabo, String decided to go Lana had a dance class and me, well I kind of had to go home at some point, so did Vusa, but first we had to go pick up his car where we left it the day before - infront of Arnolds.. Arnolds belonged to someone else on Sundays, it was no longer mine. I didn’t like the Sunday people they reminded me of shisa nyama… not a great scene. All the way to Arnolds Vusa kept going on about how ridiculous Thabo was – I switched off half way and kept imagining what I wanted my life to turn out like. I had that habit, sometimes I would day dream that I was running in a field of money, wearing a dress of money, earrings made of money and my shoes were made of money. The strange thing though is that it was always in dollars. Sometimes the day dreams are better than the conversations that we have to endure.








Chapter 5

Finally I was home, tired and wondering why I put myself through all the nonsense I do on weekends, as I enter the building I can smell Tasha’s cooking – it’s offensive, the smell I mean. I have not had the guts to tell her that she can’t cook yet, but she enjoys it, she loves making Sunday lunch. I open the door and the house is packed. Everyone is in their Sunday best. First person I see is Tommy, then William and his girlfriend Themba, then I see Jabulani and her kid. The kid gets to me - she is standing on my glass table. I want to rush in and tell her to get off, but I compose myself I realize that we have guests. The smell of the food seems to be getting worse. I have not eaten the entire day, but my appetite has definitely left me. Ok great the kid is off the table now, I get up to go to the kitchen she grabs my dress, I want her to leave me alone. “What your name lady?” “Her name is Chippy.” Jabulani answers. “Now let go of her dress.” She doesn’t let go I carry on walking.

I get to the kitchen, I greet Tasha with a kiss on the cheek, the smell in the kitchen is way worse than it was in the living room area. “How was the weekend Chippy? Tell me, tell me anything exciting happen or come your way?” “No. Not really. Just the same old same old.” The kid is still holding my dress. I want to wrench her off. “And you Tasha? Heard from Sizwe yet? Or are we still not talking about that?” “We are not talking about that.” The smell gets worse… I need water, my eyes start to water. I want to know what she is making, but I honestly don’t it obviously does not agree with my entire system. I excuse myself and say that I am going to lie down. I make my way up the stairs and to my room and I realize that one of my paintings has a hand print on it. It’s a small hand print… I want to kill that little gremlin, but I would rather sleep, I have a hectic week ahead of me.

Two hours later, my phone rings. It’s on vibrate, I can’t sleep, I can hear everything they are saying downstairs. The Screen keeps flashing Lana, Lana. I pick it up, she tells me that tonight is salsa night at Café Brazillia. I want to go but I don’t want to go… I always end up going. Lana was about anything that had to do with dancing. We called her 2nd position 4th position Lana, well, we called her that, because she entered so many dance competitions, never got 1st or 3rd she was always 2nd or 4th I guess it was an even number thing. I had to give it to Lana though, she was an excellent dancer, just that she messed up at the worst of times.

Lana’s a work of art, when you look at her, you have to look again just to convince yourself that what you are seeing is real. I understand why String would fall for her the way he did. She was a work of art, the way she dressed, the way she talked. She was a latin dancer, but she had the grace of a ballerina, there was something magical and fairytale like about her. She was almost blinding, but she was definitely breath taking. Strings dream girl was a real dream. She didn’t have to say anything her presence spoke volumes - it was amazing.

I went to meet Lana, as I left the house I saw the kid staring at me, I stared back, she looked like she wanted to say something, I knew I wanted to say something, I wanted to say that if she ever stood on my table again I would kill her dead, I don’t care how old she is. She needs to get off my goddamn furniture… maybe I should take it up with Jabulani, she needs to teach her kid to behave.

It was beautiful, Latin night, the sight of people coming together to bust some dance moves and watch the late sun come down, it felt better than the offensive smell of Sunday supper at home. I honestly thought that I would suffocate, but thanks to Lana, my Nostrils were being embraced by different fragrances dancing up and down the room, my nostrils were caressed by soft , flowery, heavy, sweaty, woody and just plain out enchanting smells. I fell in love with the different shapes and contours that moved around the room. I felt lost in the spirit of the music, it took over, it reached a part of me that I did not realize I had, I felt my soul move… swaying from side to side… up and down and every where it was intoxicating. I was there, eyes closed lost in the moment.

***


Then Drip! A drop of water landed on my bare shoulders, I opened my eyes and there I was standing in the field next to my parent’s house. In the distance I could see the cows grazing beyond the train tracks. I could still hear the music, but I could not see Lana or where the music came from. I walked towards the tree in the middle of the field. As I walked I could feel the blades of grass caressing my short legs, I looked down and I realized I had no shoes on. I had stepped on a thorn and my foot was bleeding, I bent over to take the thorn out, I looked up and saw two figures disappearing into a hole beneath the tree. They were dressed in leather ochre garments, with bushy hair embellished with beads. One of them looked back before she disappeared in the whole, she looked familiar, but I could not place her. I stood there for a while perplexed by my surroundings.

I looked behind me and realized that my parents house was no longer there, but the field was still the same and I could still hear music, but the music changed, the tempo was slower and with every beat of the drum my pulse became harder I got closer and the music got louder. Limping from the pain of thorn I made my way nearer to the beautiful tree and the closer I was the more beautiful the tree seemed, flowers began to blossom in front of my naked eye, the flower buds began to drip with honey and it’s sweet fragrant smell filled the air, it smelt so good I could almost taste it, I wanted to taste it, but the curiosity of the hole in the ground by the tree called for my attention more. I wanted to know what was down there. I wanted to discover what was in the hole in the ground.

As I limped closer I saw two more figures walking toward the same hole, a mother and a child – a girl child, the same child that was with Jabulani at my house earlier. The child stopped and stared at me for a moment, the same look she gave me at the house. She smiled and ran into the hole. By now my curiosity was killing me, I wanted to know what was going on there. I looked around and the train tracks near where the cows were grazing were gone, cows were still there, I saw horses, flowers started blooming everywhere. I could see strange birds flying about, they seemed to be crayoned in the most magnificent colours, colours I had never seen. I kept limping hoping to get the hole by the tree faster, but the injury from the thorn seemed to slow me down. The tall blades of grass brushed up against my legs as I looked down I noticed mouse like creatures that could jump up to 4 time their height. They startled me, I looked around the field and saw that they were everywhere, the more I looked around the more things began to appear around me. People began to appear all around heading for the hole next to the tree. The ground began to tremble slightly, looked around to see what was happening (I was slightly afraid).

I turned around and behind me was a sight I had never imagined I would ever see - a family of five dressed in ochre leather, rode on the back of a mammoth like animal, the difference was that it had a shorter snout and it ears were so long that they dragged on the ground, the edge of its ears were embellished with brightly coloured beads, around it’s neck it had a massive Zulu love letter. It stopped a couple of meters away from me, bending its’ long legs and I realized that on each of it’s four legs it had two knees, so when it bent it’s knees it folded it’s legs twice. What a sight to see. What confused me though is how everyone was dressed in the same ochre leather outfits with hair that was embellished with beads. I looked down at myself and I realized that I was dressed like them. I wondered if everyone was in the same dream. Everyone looked familiar, but I could not place them. I just remembered the little kid.

The crowds grew greater and greater and the music got louder and louder… more amazing creatures appeared.























Chapter 6


“Chippy! Chippy! Tasha was banging on my door, but how did I get to bed? “Yeah, I’m up, I’m up.” “You better be or else you will late for work.” Work already, that can’t be. How did I even get here in the first place? Am I loosing chunks of time? I am so tired. I walked out of bed and as I put my feet in my slippers I realized that my foot was injured. The Thorn! I stepped on the thorn yesterday, when I was in that dream place. But how?

“Tasha! How did I get home?” “I am not sure and I am running late could you drop me off at work?” “Sure. You never saw me come in?” “No Chippy I was asleep, but Lana did call and she said that you left your phone and your bag and you just disappeared. I just told her to call Vusa and he came by and said he had not seen you since the afternoon.” “Yeah, I felt sick so I left early.” “Chippy that doesn’t make sense, I spoke to these people whilst I was awake and I stayed awake for two hours after that, you still weren’t home.” “Yeah, I went to the Medi-Clinic first.”

I was confused, I couldn’t be sure what happened, but the evidence that I was walkabouting in a dream was there. My foot was bleeding and swollen, but how, how did this happen to me? Was it real? Was I sleep walking? Had I suddenly gone mad? I was a little bit confused by all this.

I got to the office two hours late as usual, my boss King K was earlier than me this time, he took one look at me and offered me a Chicken Licken hot wing. King K was a big boisterous man. He had the loud jolly laughter of Santa Claus, he was more of a father/ uncle than a boss. “So Chippy you look like you had a weekend of Ayobaness.” “King K you have no idea, if I had to tell you what happened you would think that I was crazy.” I could not admit it to myself, I thought I was crazy, how much more if I had to tell someone else? I would be on the next bus to coocooville. I don’t like coocooville.

I sat staring at my computer, e-mails streamed in, Lana with my phone, Vusa thinking I disappeared with a new potential, String saying his good mornings and that Thoko girl asking for Thabo’s e-mail address. I never replied to any of them. I spent my morning on Google searching for strange dreams. Google didn’t have the answer. I tried Freud, but nothing really explained the cut on my foot, it was swelling up, getting worse. What if the thorn was poisoned? Ag man! A poisoned thorn in a dream! I probably stepped on something and I did not notice.

“Chippy, is that what you get paid for?” Oh crap the MD was standing behind me! I never did get why my computer faced the door instead of away from the door. Maybe it was because I shared an extremely small office with two designers, three art Directors and some guy that we were not even sure worked there. It was cramped alright. Cramped full of black folk. Best place to be in winter, worst in summer, because, hygiene is not a priority for some of these ad types. I decided to reply “Actually yes, Mr Naiker I am a writer and I am doing research” “Smart mouth neh cherry” “Sir with all respect you asked me a question and I had an answer to it.” I turned around looked at my computer, watched Mr Naiker leave through the corner of my eye. As I looked up I noticed that the crowd in my office was staring at me with their mouths wide open. I stared back, took my laptop and walked all the way down stairs. I knew what they thought. King K said it all the time. You are too feisty and you need to watch that mouth of yours young lady. I could not stand some people, I really thought it was pathetic, how he could walk into my office and talk shit. But, I knew King K would come talk to me and tell me to watch my mouth. I never really did. I said what I felt and that bothered some people… the one thing that I learnt from my dear friend Vusa.

Finally Lunch time! “Cccccchhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppyyyyyyyyyy!” Vusa was here! Did I really need to see him again and by this time I had moved back up to my time share office. “Wow, you guys need air-conditioning in this shanty town… yintoni nihlala epozini na?. I swear all you guys need is smoke and taxis driving by, this really is a shack. I mean really we know blacks live in groups but this is just way over!” “Vusa, Chong is not black, he is Chinese.” “Wrong honey, Mbeki said that our Asian brothers and sisters and hermaphrodites…you get a lot of those there - are black”.

“Vusa why are you here?”
“Oh Chippy honey, I am actually glad to see you! Bible basher Tasha, had me worried and I thought you had been abducted and since you did not answer my e-mails I figured, I must come look for you or else I could never borrow fabulous blouses anymore. That would be the end of me… oh the best part I figured I should take you out for lunch. I took the liberty of getting your bag from Lana, and I will handle the bill with the money I got there. Oh love the Clinique lipgloss!” I was getting annoyed until Chong opened his mouth and spoke. “Dude, I don’t know your name, but are you gay or something…? I have to ask ‘cause Chippy says you are straight.” Everyone went silent. King K switched off his music and all of a sudden eyes were shifting between me and Vusa. “Chippy…” “Yes Vusa” “When did art and self expression become gay? No don’t answer that! No Ching Chong I am not gay, just like you are not Japanese. Just because I look a certain way does not mean that I am that way. I like skirts, I like blouses, I like makeup, I just don’t like men. If I did I would and I don’t mind liking them, it’s just that I am not attracted to them.” “Vusa, I think it’s time for that lunch now.” I could see that he was about to get emotional and I would rather that be our moment, than shared amongst my shanty town colleagues.

We decided on Greens on Park Road, I loved it, Vusa Loved it we were at the perfect spot for a deep and meaningful conversation. Vusa cried, I knew why he was crying. He hated being put in a box. It annoyed him, hurt him and did many other things that I could not understand to him. When people asked him if he was gay it reminded him of his parents and the pain he had to endure from them. They disowned him because they thought he was gay. I guess that would explain his self centered nature, he never really had anyone in his life, well not until he met me in Varsity. Vusa, grew up with his grandmother, she was so old and senile she had no idea whether he was a boy or a girl. He was also the son of a polygamist, his father had 11 wives and he was one of 30 children. All in all he had been disowned by all twelve of his parents. His Grandmother was all he had. No one is really sure how Vusa got to be the way he is. We just know that somehow somewhere he decided that would be the best life for him.

“I mean… you know me Chippy, I like girls I really do and sometimes when I feel desperate I look at you too although you are like my long lost darker skinned sister.” I was actually not darker than him we were the same shade and we shared make up, but he had this idea in his head that I was darker than he was. I just let him think it until he borrowed foundation. Then I would say things like. “Oh is my foundation not too dark for your fair skin?” I handed him a tissue, his mascara ran, my heart broke when his did. I much rather preferred the self centered don’t give a damn about anyone or anything Vusa. I dug my fork into my pasta and then old Vusa came back. “Chippy Honey, don’t have the entire helping your ass is huge already… actually I have been meaning to get you a gym membership, you are starting to look like Oprah’s aunt. Your Bras don’t fit like they used to.” I was glad he was back, but he had a tendency of taking his pain out on me. I guess that whole thing of we take our pain out on the people we love the most could be true. At least in Vusa’s case it was.

I decided to part with Vusa at Greens, he did not have a job to get back to and I did, plus I wanted to walk alone and ponder about the events of the night before. I tried to think but my mind kept wandering into the strangest spaces, I thought about how Vusa had never held down a job, but he was always ok, I wondered about work and if I was happy there. I walked past a shop caught my reflection in the mirror and for a brief moment thought that Vusa was right. My mind could think about anything except for what had happened the night before. I wanted to think about it. I at least wanted to explain it to my self. It never came. And if Vusa is my best friend why did I not even attempt to let him know what I was going through. I started being afraid. Something about the situation I was in was immortally frightening, I felt as though it was inescapable. That made me panic. As I was panicking I ran into Darwy, bless his soul. He walked me to work and we spoke about new stuff at the store. I promised I would come by. Then a thought stumbled into my head. A new outfit will definitely make me feel better.

















Chapter 7

When I left the office I seriously did not want to go home, I tried to look for something to do. I hated TV and by the time I got home Tasha would be watching Oprah or singing Halelujah to Joyous Celebration. Don’t get me wrong I do like them, just that on that particular day they were not really what I was into. I was hungry for some Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, I mean all the jazz greats and luckily for me it was a Monday I could immerse myself in smooth Jazz at Swingers jazz café in Kenilworth. The plan was to go at it alone, but I decided that Thabo was just right as a companion.

We sat there silent for hours, the Music moved us. Not like the Latin Music from the night before. No, this was different. We could feel our spirits moving through the crowd and standing on the stage caressing the instruments with the artists. This was emotional, moving, spiritual not dreamy. It sent our worries packin’ and something that we were not too familiar with was restored in us. We spoke about it the whole ride home. We couldn’t explain it. It was just an awesome feeling. Almost like God had hidden himself in the musical notes and showed his face every time a note had been struck. That’s what Awesome is. It restored who we were, even if it was for the time being.

I worried when I returned home, I wondered if at all my sleep would be peaceful. I wondered if I would find myself in the same dream place I had seen the night before. Not tonight, I slept and saw nothing, heard nothing. I woke up early the next day. The sun was shining right on my face. The day welcomed me and the night had already waved it’s goodbye. I got up, my foot was worse. I wondered if going to the doctor was a great idea. I mean how would I explain being pricked by a thorn in a dream and then waking up with a swollen foot 2 days later. I could almost hear him laughing at me. I had to find a story fast. One story I did know is that I was not going to work that day. I just did not feel up to being in shanty town on a potentially hot day. I don’t like the smell of testosterone on a hot day… it offends me.

I was tired of my job anyway, I always felt that going to work was unnatural especially for a young soul like me. Only people who have children should put themselves through the torture of waking up early in the morning and rushing to a place full of people that you possibly loath. You spend most of you life there and very little of your life doing the things that you really want to do. I would like to be a rich lady of leisure, but I only get to pretend that I am month end but most of the time I am sitting at my desk cracking my skull trying to come up with a concept, that will probably get slashed by my creative director who has no idea what South African Black people are about. Contrary to popular belief we do not all think the same and yes, black folk did have money before 1994, we always had spending power… don’t even make me go into the whole black diamonds nonsense… yeah, I said it… nonsense. As these thoughts ran through my mind I realized. I fucking hate advertising, I am not sure how I prostituted my talents by joining a mass opinion industry like that. I always saw myself as an artist… I felt no art in my job. I just felt tired.

***
I had a dog, her name was Pretty, she was a Maltese poodle, the cutest little thing with doggy dreadlocks, but this is not about her. Pretty had a puppy and for a long time my siblings and I were not sure what to call the puppy. Everyday the dog had a different name. One day her name would be Courage, the next it would be Brain, a few days later it would be Ninja then next it would be No-name, I finally settled on Pick and Pay… as in Pick and Pay no-name. It came as no surprise that we were almost convinced that the dog was deaf. When we reached this conclusion we had not taken into consideration that the poor thing may be confused – since it did have over a hundred names. I only listed the ones that I could remember.

No one really knew that Pick and Pay was a special dog, we were just concerned about how unfortunate the poor thing looked. It was a cross between an Alsatian and a Maltese poodle. She had long point ears that never drooped to the sides they were always pointing up at the sky. Her face was black and brown; she had a long snout a big head and the body of a Maltese poodle. Needless to say she was a midget dog, although she had the face of a full grown dog. Pretty should have been more careful about how she chose her donors.

I didn’t care much for Pick and Pay except to feed her, I love animals, but somehow she never really touched my heart. After her mom Pretty died, I guess she was left alone in a yard with no other dogs. She just used to sit there, moving around the yard morose for days and even months on end. That’s when I started feeling sorry for her, she looked like she needed another doggy friend, but that was none of my business I had a life beyond my parents yard and she was just an unfortunate looking dog. I wasn’t the only one who noticed she felt alone, I think my dad did too and he bought two new puppies.

The Puppies were cute, one Bulldog and one Dalmatian. They were good looking puppies and I am sure that did nothing for Pick and Pays self esteem. She did not seem to excited by their arrival. She seemed more annoyed and at this point she seemed more fond of the rabbits and the pigeons because she would sit next to their pans the whole day. It seemed strange to me that she would not be excited by the arrival of her own species.

So, there I was minding my own business sneaking back into the house after a night out when I heard a voice I could not recognize. The voice wasn’t talking to me and it was a female voice. At first I was sure I had been busted, but I realized that the voice was not even aware I was around. It said “Don’t they realize, they cant just replace my mom with some good looking puppies, there was more to this yard before these dumb fucks moved here anyway!” I was shocked and dumbstruck… Shit!!! Pick and Pay was talking to one of the rabbits. I stood there and stared at her and for the first time I saw expression in her eyes. She and the rabbit stared straight at me and said nothing and then like some cheeky little bitch she brushed past my leg and strolled away. I was not sure what to say or what to think. I turned around to walk away when the small little cute bulldog said in a baby voice: “We know she doesn’t like us, but at least we have each other.” I couldn’t take it! I told them to all shut up and sort out their own problems. Human problems were for humans and dog problems for dogs. I ended with. “I never wanna hear you guys talk again.” The Bulldog said: “Ok…” I thought about it the whole night. I wasn’t on drugs, I hadn’t had a drink, it was just a party, I came home early-ish, I imagined the whole thing…I convinced myself.

When I fed the animals the next day I was met with blank stares. The bulldog sighed. I dropped the dish I was carrying and walked away. Dogs don’t sigh, they don’t talk and I just never wanted to imagine them ever doing any of that. I was just not ready for something that weird. Besides who would believe me anyway. That would just be a reason for me to enter coocooville and I was going to resist going there for as long as I could.





































Chapter 8

My Daddy used to tell me a story, in-fact he still tells that story. It’s not like the ordinary parent story of: “In my days we never used to… blah blah blah blah… those are mom’s stories. My daddy always tells me a story about a little boy, a little boy who grew up to be a man without being taught how to be a man. A little boy who knew how to spell just one word, a word so familiar yet so vague, he knew the word too well, he knew how to spell the word suffering. He knew how to spell it because he lived it. To us it would be suffering but to the boy it would be everyday life.

There was once a little boy who lived in a rough little village in the centre of the Transkei. This little boy did not have much, in-fact he hardly even had clothing on his back, but he believed he owned the fields and the mountains, he owned the blades of grass, the clay at the riverbanks and the fresh water that bursts from the streams. He had nothing, but his heart made him believe that he had so much.

The little boy lived with his ailing old grandmother, his aunt and uncle and his many, many cousins. I would tell you how many cousins the boy had, but he couldn’t count you see, he just knew that there was a lot of them, so many that if you didn’t scramble and fight for yourself you could go on without food for a week. The little buy was not really bothered with material things in life, for some reason, he was aloof to his situation, which in every sense of the phrase was a pretty bad one.

Although he lived with his aunt, uncle and ailing grandmother (whilst his mom worked in big bad Johannesburg, she loved her son dearly, but sometimes we don’t have a choice) he was a servant boy or at least his aunt and uncle treated him as such, never with dignity, never with love. Just as a servant, never welcome, never embraced. He was suffering but he knew no suffering, he knew no better he was just a little boy who knew no other life, but till now his entire existence spelt out that one retched word, it was sad, yet he never knew the sadness, not in his heart. He knew it on the outside, but there was something so strong, so resilient, so built to live that no matter how gloomy the days got, he knew that today was not tomorrow and tomorrow the world might just change.

The little boy knew many things. For one he knew how to wake up before the sun, he knew that the cows needed to graze, the sheep needed to be herded and someone had to feed the chickens. He knew that. He also knew that in the cold winter months, when his small bare feet froze from the icy grasslands, he could pee on his toes to warm them or wait for a cow to drop it’s dung and put his hands and feet in to keep warm. He knew that only his cousins were aloud to sleep on the bed and his place was on the floor with the potato sacks. He knew that every adult had the right to punish him whether he had done something wrong or not. But most of all he knew that he was not welcome in the place he called home.

The boy grew up being punished for being alive, his only refuge was his grandmother, she taught him not to compare his life to others, she knew that if we lived by the standards of others we will destroy ourselves trying to be them. She taught him that all days were new and any day could be a miracle day. She taught him that material things were just that, materials and one day they will be gone, but they can be gained back just as easily. But most of all she taught him that life is not easy, but things change, it never stays the same and sooner or later the good or the bad that you do catches up with you. The suffering you have endured pays off and like we see every morning the sun does rise again… no matter how bad the storm was yesterday. She taught him to live.

My dad told me this story over and over and every time I listened I would learn something new, but this time as I listened I learnt a lot about Luke.

Luke always told me that he was abused, I don’t know whether he made that his excuse or he genuinely suffered, but I don’t think he suffered, I think he wanted people to suffer. I felt like he wanted people to pay for the way he was raised. Luke could never be that brave little boy. He was a coward that hid behind anger, so he could abuse. The little boy that my father told me about chose to live and he became colossal. Luke was the opposite. He was the other side of the coin, the way that the boy could have become. I wanted to understand Luke, I wanted to save him, but it’s hard saving someone who refused to save themselves. Vusa would say “Let that spineless squid drown in oxygen, if you want to save something, go save earthworms from ruthless gardeners!” Never really got what that was about. But that was Vusa for you… he didn’t have to make any sense for him to say something.

Luke was however a spineless coward.






















Chapter 9

There’s something about Wednesday, it’s an interesting day. For some people it is the first party day of the week, for some it’s their day off, for my mom and her friends it’s the prayer night at church and for all of us, well for all of us it’s two days to the weekend. When I was a young girl I always used to think that Wednesdays had to do with wedding days. I am not sure why. Maybe it was the abbreviation which is WED. I always imagined I would get married on a Wednesday, for me it would be the perfect day, as I wouldn’t really like a lot of people there and Wednesday is an inconvenient day. So, if I get married on a Wednesday I get to cut a whole lot of unnecessary guests especially the cousins that I would not like my future husbands family to know exist. (it has nothing to do with hill-billies, in breeding or dodgy ness, it has everything to do with the fact that they don’t like me – at all).

And so, it was a Wednesday, my day… no I was not going to get married. I liked it because it was such an insignificant day. It almost felt like those days that you could predict. Those days that you had no need to be afraid, no need to worry, today things would go every bodies way. No one would die, no one would cry. It was just a day, giving birth to it’s sun and later gazing at us with it’s moon. It almost felt inconsequential, mundane even. If Vusa was a day he would not be a Wednesday, but String would be a Wednesday. No surprises, just the same as yesterday.

I got out of bed and checked my foot. It looked better but I knew I would not be wearing boots anytime soon, besides the fact that it was summer, my foot was at least a size bigger and being a size four is no joke. It’s hard enough to find shoes, so why should I ruin them by stuffing a vetkoek into them.

I looked at the time and realized that I was running at least an hour late, that was hectic… well if they asked me I could always show them my foot. I put on some James Brown wobbled to the bathroom, I really wanted to get my James boogy on but my foot was the size of a small dog so, I had to deal with it. I ran the bath water and pretend to dance around without putting pressure on my foot. I always noticed that when I ran the bath water, the bathroom – it being a very cold room and all usually steamed up and got so cloudy that I felt like I was visiting the clouds. But, this time, this time it stayed the same (its Wednesday nothing goes wrong on a Wednesday!). I put my hand in the water and to my surprise or rather lack there of the water was freezing, not luke-warm, not cool, just bloody well freezing. I could feel it in my bones… aaaahhhh… the bones in my fingers felt like they were about to crack. Needless to say I went into random incoherent ramblings. I wobbled to the electricity switch box, and realized that my dear flat mate Tasha had switched off the geyser. Never did get how people did that. It used up more electricity than it did when it was on. Obviously the SA government did not do their research when they decided that should go out on a TV ad about saving electricity.

I picked up my arms to smell my armpits, they were not too fresh, then looked down, my legs were ashy, I was wearing home underwear, it was saggy and well my foot, my foot was the size of a small dog. I wobbled back to the bathroom and I did a summary wash. Face, armpits, legs, privates. I was done, I was freezing I wanted to get back in bed. My blankies looked so great and warm… I wanted them. I wanted them real bad. I got dressed. That took the longest… nothing was clean, I had to wear the one outfit that I hate the most… I had to put on jeans and a t-shirt. I hate jeans and a t-shirt, they feel so average, so mundane, so Wednesday. I figured it is a Wednesday after all so, I will let it be. I will just stuff the clothes in the washer before I go.

As I drove down the road, I remembered a time when I used to walk to college, it was more interesting than driving. Cape Town s the only place in SA that I knew of that walking everywhere was cooler than having a car. I loved walking in Cape Town, I even had a walking soundtrack, it was great. So, much happened when you walked it was amazing. Something else was happening whilst I was driving, I was hurting – I missed Luke. I couldn’t stand what Kanye was saying in his new track. He said ‘Sometimes Love Comes Around And It Knocks You Down’. Luke knocked me down sometimes. Luke was my love and love knocked me down. Love beat me down so badly sometimes that I bled on the off white carpets, love kicked me in the chest so badly it still hurts to cough six months later, love knocked me down Kanye… I know exactly how love can come around and knock you down. And it’s not ok. Luke made it a secret, he always said it was our little secret, just between him and me. I didn’t feel good about keeping that secret. Luke tried to kill me. I wanted to stop thinking about it.

I stopped at the robots, looked out the window and tried to think about walking again. My heart was aching, I wanted to weep really hard. I told myself that I had wept enough, I just could not carry on weeping over Luke. I told him that he was dead to me. No more Luke, no more knock downs. No more pains.

It was Wednesday and things had started going wrong already, my day was not the Wednesday I wanted. It felt more like a Monday to me. Wednesdays don’t ruin your day, they don’t ruin your week they just are. It seemed that there was nothing mundane or inconsequential about this day. I wondered if they even missed me at work I just really wanted to go to the beach, the beach would help. Actually the beach and my homeless Angolan friend Rudulpho would help, maybe I should do that. Get some food go to Moullie point and look for Rudulpho on the benches, sit and have a chat about the meaning of life.














Chapter 10

Rudulpho was an ageless refugee, to me he looked 30, but he honestly did not know how old he was, there are a lot of things that I was sure Rudulpho didn’t know, like where he was from. One day it would be Angola, the next Malawi, then it was Rwanda, then the Congo. From the amount of Portuguese he spoke my best bet was Angola. One thing that we both knew and were sure about is that Rudulpho had been a child soldier. Even if he wanted to run from that fact he had the tattoos and the mental scars to prove it. One thing that struck me about him was how much he loved to read. Rudulpho used to give me books as gifts. He read books on philosophy, spirituality and science fiction. I never knew who Terry Pratchet was until I met Rudulpho. He was intelligent, well spoken, but lost, the sad part was that Rudulpho had been lost for so long that he was more comfortable being lost than being secure. There was something strangely appealing about the life he lived it afforded him the freedom to live the way he wanted to live - nothing ever held him back.

I met Rudulpho through my crazy friend Carmello, Carmello got the name Carmello from a cake box that she picked up and decided that would be her name. You see Carmello, as the rumor goes had escaped from coocooville and couldn’t remember anything about her previous life except her pin code and her little brother’s name. Carmello lived and worked at a backpackers called Cat and Moose. I met her at a bar called Al. B’s once, she was the lady alone at the bar and I was the girl who walked in looking for Vusa… he was late as usual. So I placed myself at the bar next to Carmello and the first thing that she said was, “You are a beautiful girl, don’t slouch, it makes you look like you don’t believe in yourself.” I listened and sat up immediately.

We started talking. Carmello had an accent that I could not place. I always thought I knew how to place people by the way they spoke, but with Carmello I was left thinking that she must be well travelled. I liked Carmello instantly. She finished her cranberry juice and suggested that we go to a place where everything was on the house. Forgetting about Vusa I agreed. (Vusa never showed as he left the house he received a call from Caroline – the love of his life and well I was obviously out of his plans. I didn’t really mind). I asked why cranberry juice, she answered, the say it cleans the system I am hoping it will clean out my mind.

Carmello had the lovliest, longest black hair I had ever seen. It grew all the way down to her buttocks, it was mid summer but she wore a thick brown fur coat and gloves, but when I looked down at her feet she was wearing sandals. Her outfit didn’t really make sense, but I guess at that point I didn’t know her that well. Carmello was different and nothing about the world made her think the way she behaved was inappropriate. After-all she was Carmello and no one could tell her otherwise.

We walked up Long Street from Al. B’s we walked so far up I thought that we would walk on to Kloof street, I realized almost at the end of the street that we were going into a small backpackers right next to the public bath house. We stopped at the door she punched in the code and we walked into the building. She asked me to follow her in. I walked in and looked around. I immediately felt like I had left Cape Town and I was somewhere else. There were strange mannequins standing around dressed in travel gear, a Persian Carpet hung on a high ceiling wall. The walls looked like they had been painted with blue water based paint and maps for the most exotic destinations were hung around everywhere. I looked up at the roof and another mannequin dressed in a miners uniform hung up there, it was only wearing one boot.

We walked down the passage and into one of the rooms, there were four bunk beds, a metal table, two sofas and a small old TV. From the controls on the model I guessed it was from the 80’s. I sat down on one of the couches as I sat down I realized that someone was sleeping on the top bunk, I stared, Carmello noticed. “That’s Rudulpho, he is an old friend we met when I worked as a human shield for the UN.” “Human shield? Carmello? You were a human shiel?” “Yes, it’s one of the few things I remember before Cape Town.” “Where were you a human shield?” “I can’t remember, but I was in my twenties then and he was a teenage soldier, he had been a soldier since he could think.” I didn’t have anything to say so I just stared. She didn’t say anything after that either, she just took off her fur coat and revealed a vintage lace dress underneath, my guess would be that the dress was from the 60’s. I hadn’t looked much at her face at Al. B’s but now I realized how old she was, although she looked young I would say she was leading well into her 40’s. She was beautiful, something about her took my breath away. Looking at her was almost like a warm hug from God… it was more than awesome.

She left the room to make some tea, I stayed looked around. The walls had old brown wall paper, in some corners it was peeling of and I could see the glue stained wall behind it. There were bookshelves with all sorts of old books. The one book shelf was so overloaded with books that the shelf looked weighed down. It seemed that if you put one more book there, the whole thing would collapse. I wanted to check out the titles and read one of them, but I was afraid I felt like I was being watched. I shrugged the feeling off and I got up and started looking through the books. “Aha, a beautiful girl is not really beautiful unless she is also intelligent.” Rudulpho was awake. He had a very heavy Portugese accent. I looked at him startled. “Well, are you a new room mate?” “No I am Chippy, I just…” “You just met Carmello at Al. B’s. She always goes there to have a cranberry juice. Personally I don’t like carpeted walls they kind of … ummm…what’s the phrase… oh yes they freak me out! That’s the phrase I was looking for. Personally I do not think it is right for a wall to have a carpet, I imagine that they belong on floors for people to step on and I have never seen anyone step on walls.” I found him funny, he was right, the carpets on the wall were a little creepy and they must have had to do a lot to keep the stench at a minimum.

He was lying sideways on the bunk bed, he supported his head with his left arm. His head was clean shaven, he looked older than he was, you could see in his eyes that he was young, but the years just had not been kind to his face. He had a few scars, but they were not deforming, he had straight bright white teeth and his left forearm had an unprofessional carved tattoo. From where I was sitting it looked like it said: Y Me? I looked harder, but tried to pretend as if I was not looking at it. Rudulpho was smarter than I thought. “It says why me? I was a child soldier, in-fact I am a child soldier, Carmello told you, she tells everyone as if that is suppose to explain something about the way I look. It does not bother me as much as it used to. Depending on who you are talking to; you either get sympathy or hatred. I don’t mind the hatred, it’s sincere, but the sympathy makes me sick, because you can see the self righteous bastards standing there judging you for the entire continents sins. And they pretend they care, that is what gets me, those people and they are everywhere, this town is full of them.” I had no idea what to say, I wasn’t sure whether to say I am sorry or keep quiet. I felt a little uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to leave. The silence was heavy and I was desperate for a way to break it without falling into the hatred or sympathy boxes (this is why smart people get to me they say something that leaves you thinking very hard about who you are).

Carmello walked in and saved my ass, she had made steaming hot tea in the middle of summer, but the interesting part is that she brought ice cubes with the tea. She also had scones, chocolate chip muffins and jelly beans on the tray. I was obviously the only person who thought that the ice cubes were strange. Rudulpho jumped off the bunk bed, put on what looked like one of Carmello’s robes. I knew this because it had a sewn in feather boa and it was a bright pink colour. I noticed that Rudulpho was pretty skinny and his body was filled with tattoos similar to the one on his left arm. Carmello sat opposite me, she stared. “Why did you get that?” She was referring to the stud in my right cheek. “I thought it looked cool.” “That is not a good reason to do anything, doing things because they look cool, you only do that when you are 14 and guessing by the way you look you are past that age.” I did not have a reply.

Rudulpho sat next to me, he also stared at my right cheek, “Oh no Carmello, it’s really not that bad, it does not take any beauty away, it adds to it anyway, don’t worry Carmello likes things to stay the way they are, but things change right Chappy.” It’s Chippy and yes, you are right things do change.” I watched them serve themselves the tea, everything was normal except for the part where they put ice cubes in the tea and instead of sugar they piled in the jelly beans. “Chippy how many jelly beans in your tea?” “I will take two thanks.” “And Ice Cubes?” “I am fine without the cubes thanks.” We drank tea in vintage tea cups and for a while we stared at each other. Rudulpho seemed uncomfortable and then he opened his mouth “Carmello…” “Yes Rudi.” “I hear you went to see Antonio today.” “I didn’t go see Antonio, Rudulpho I went there to make sure he can feel my presence.” I had no idea what they were talking about. “Of Course he can feel your presence you are stalking him! Ay ayayay! Puta Madre.” “Remember Rudulpho that’s my mother you are referring to.” “Caramello, what’s your surname eh? You don’t know? Where you from? You don’t know? The only person you know is me! I am your mother! I remembered you before you remembered me! If I swear about your mother then I swear about me Carmello!” I was feeling uncomfortable, maybe I should leave. “I know what you are thinking.” Carmello was looking straight at me. “I know that you want to leave now Chippy. You are thinking you don’t want to be in the middle of the madness.” “Carmello if the girl wants to leave let her go. She does not have to be part of our fights, she has been here long enough.” Now they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there.

“No Rudi, no, no, I want her to know, she is a friend! Chippy come sit next to me here.” I got up and sat next to Carmello. “My name is not Carmello, I have no idea what my name is. Rudi recognized me when I was wondering the streets of Cape Town moving from Back packer to back packer, the only thing I could remember was my bank pin number, so luckily I had money. Rudi says that we know each other from the time I did work for the UN. He named me Carmello, because I bought him cake at Carmello’s, he said I was as sweet as that cake. Antonio the one at Al.B’s that is my brother, but he avoids me, I want to know what happened and who I am but he treats me like a stranger, but somehow I know it’s him I just remember him. We even look the same.” I had no idea what to say. I wanted to say I am sorry but then I thought about Rudulpho’s sympathy versus hatred.

Rudulpho stared at me, I could feel that he knew what I was thinking. “You are thinking about me aren’t you?” He smiled, it was beautiful, again I felt hugged by God. I smiled back.



































Chapter 11

It was already mid morning by the time I reached Moullie point, I don’t know how I found him but I did. Rudulpho was sitting on a bench watching people pass by. He had his satchel next to him and he sat cross legged. He was wearing Carmello’s fur coat. As I walked towards him he lit a cigarette. He didn’t see me coming, I was taking my time getting to him. He pulled out a book from his satchel and started reading, he looked peaceful I didn’t want to disturb him, but I needed to talk to someone. I guess I needed this Wednesday to be more, I wanted it to have meaning. I guess Rudulpho represented meaning to me. There was just something about him that made me want to listen or rather obey.

I watched him read for a while I wasn’t sure what I was going to say I was looking for. I finally sat down next to him. He looked up at me and said: “It hurts a lot – your heart…it is sore.” “Yes it is.” “I am not the right person to have this discussion with. Where are your friends?” I said nothing and pulled out the Mcdonalds breakfast I had brought with me. He looked at me and devoured the food, I ate slowly. As, I chewed on my breakfast, he began to speak again. “You know, your freedom may not be such a terrible thing Chippy. For one at least now you know you don’t have to lie to people anymore, when you say you can’t have tea or say that you can’t see us… we all know that when you say this you have beatings all over the body. I saw you one day, you were going to the medi-clinic, I was spending my day looking at all the sick rich people. They make me wonder, you made me wonder. I saw Luke, he… I am sorry, but to me he is a monster.” I was not sure what to say to him. This had happened before, where I went to see him, said nothing and he had all the answers.

I thought of what to say to him and as I was about to open my mouth he said “Don’t make excuses for him, I have heard you say he was abused or something or someone was violent with him, but I come from violent country, I have a violent history, I sucked violence from my mothers breast. I was born fighting, I fought all sorts of wars. The hardest and most rewarding war is the one that I had to fight with myself. If a man say he loves you… no matter how violent his past, he wont hit you. You don’t tear the dress you love. That is just the way I think, you don’t see me burning my books because I don’t like what they say.” I understood what he was saying, but I did not feel ready to hear it I guess I was there for sympathy instead he gave me honesty. He gave me what he appreciated the most.

The first time I didn’t get the magnitude of what he said about the sympathy vs the hatred. It wasn’t about the hatred, it was about the honesty of the hatred and that is what he was giving me. He would have been lying to me if he behaved in sympathy. He gave me the truth because it was all he had and that meant the world to me.

We sat on the bench and watched the sun change positions in the sky, we saw all sorts of people walk by and the waves glistened and crashed against the rocks. I wanted to sit like that for a long time, I felt a sense of peace and security sitting there with a homeless ex-child soldier. Who would have thought I would find my sanity in a man wearing a fur coat on a summers day. I wondered if our secure lives were not the main cause of all our worries. The way Rudi lived – he had nothing except for his basic survival to worry about. There was something incredibly powerful in that. It almost felt like he was living life the way it was meant to be lived.

We sat there until the sun came down, it was amazing. When the sun had gone to sleep and the moon had awoken, he said: “You see the day we just spent, the peace, the reality, the safety of nothing else but someone next to you… that my dear is love, although that was a small piece, none the less that was what love is. Now! Let us go Save Carmello from her Cranberry juice at that place that has carpets on the wall! Let us Go!”

He changed the way I see Wednesdays. I was happy.



































Chapter 12

I got home in time for Generations, I am afraid I just could not watch it. There was something so beautiful about my day I could not sit and ruin it with soapies. “Hey Tasha.” “Hi Chippy, how was work?” “Haven’t been since Monday.” “Ok, are you going through Luke drama again?” “Actually no, no I am learning who I am and work sometimes gets in the way of that.” “Huh?? Have you been hanging with that homeless guy again?” “He is not homeless he is merely living his life as a non-conformist.” “He is homeless!” “He is coming to live with us.” Tasha’s pretty face dropped, I laughed. I knew that she would never allow him peace if he ever stayed here. She didn’t know him like I knew him. She saw a homeless person I saw the only person that understood the way of the world and was living through it successfully.

I said my goodnights and made my way to my room, I read a book. I read a book that my mother gave me. The book was supposed to help me get over the break up and yes the advice it gave out was great, but I was struggling with the writers prose, it drove me down to Lala land. I kept yawning and yawning, until I found myself sitting in the field outside my house. I got up and my foot hurt, I tried to not put pressure on it. The field was packed. Now there were even different crowds of people. Instead of just the people dressed in ochre leather like me, there were others in blue, green and very tall beings that covered themselves in white and everyone headed down to the hole beneath the tree.

I limped closer and closer the blades of grass brushed against me, I saw flowers still blooming everywhere. I picked one and clenched it in my fist, I wanted to see if I could take the flower home with me. I began to hear the music again and this time the pulse of my heart was coherent with the beat. I looked around and everything including the wind blowing the blades of grass were coherent with the beat. The deep beat of the drum. I realized that the music was a call, it was the thing that attracted all these creatures to the hole.

Finally my limping self got to the entrance of the hole. I waited in line to enter or at least to peep at what was going on inside. Next to me stood an old man with grey milky eyes, he gave me a toothless smile and stared. He took my hand, I held my fist tight to hold on to the flower. “Don’t worry you are safe with me and I have beans for your foot, they said that I must give them to you.” “Who is they?” “You will see them, they brought us here. I am an old man take the beans before I forget.” “I am fine thanks.” “I know that injury it gets worse unless you take the beans and the flower you are trying to keep, it’s great to use on stews.” “Stews?” “I am a master cook, sometimes I come here to pick ingredients for great meals, meals that I cook for high and mighty people.” “So, you are a chef?” “Yes, my name is Charles, I hear yours is Chippy. Everyone has been expecting you.” “Ummm…ok, but who is everyone? “You will see… now take your beans.”

We reached the hole as I looked down it was not as dark as I thought. There were stairs and as I was about to walk down, I heard a phone ring in the distance. The ring tone sounded familiar I closed my eyes I opened them and I was in my bedroom again. My phone was ringing it was Thabo. “Hello…” “Eh ngwanesu are you sleeping? We are at Thoms house chewin the cud, come over!” “Today?” “No next year…of course today, what yea think Einstein!” As I spoke on the phone I noticed the beans and the flower lying next me on my bed. The colour of the flower was a bit faded, but it was still beautiful. I looked at my foot looked at the beans and said: “I will be there in 20.”
I went to the kitchen, Tasha was still up, took the beans with water, and went to take a shower. As I stepped out of the shower I looked down at my foot and the swelling had disappeared. I whispered: “Thank Charles!” Got dressed and started making my way to Thom’s house.






































Chapter 13


I found Thom strange. He was a huge party animal, a geek and everything in between but I don’t think he spoke a word of English without his English/German dictionary. The only things he said without his book were hi and how are you. But to respond he always had to pick up the book. I always used to imagine him at interviews or macking. I would picture him picking up that book over and over again. I knew that sometimes when he got a phone call he made people hold so he could look up all the words that they said. If I were him I would be super frustrated. There is no way that people made his life easy. I know I didn’t I made sure that when I saw him I went into incoherent rambling mode and I would say the most random things that don’t make sense, so he would get confused and leave me alone. Thabo hated it when I did that. Thabo was probably Thoms biggest fan, I was surprised that Thabo did not infact have his own dictionary so that he could reply to the things Thom said in German.

When I got to Thom’s house I got the same welcome I got every time I went to visit, I don’t think the security guard liked me. ”Who are you visiting?” “Thom.” “Why are you visiting?” “Thom invited me.” “Why.” “Because, he is my friend.” “How did you and Thom become friends?” “How is that a security question?” “Heeeey wena… I can make you stay out here the whole night and you don’t see this Thom friend of yours.” “Ok, Thom invited me, and they are expecting me upstairs.” “I will have to go check.” “Why don’t you just try him on his intercom?” “Heeey, I said that, I am going to check maan!” Thom lived on the eighth floor and the lifts did not work that well, it always took this guy 30 min or more to come back. So, I made myself comfortable at the security desk, more people came in and waited, they waited alongside me whilst he took his sweet time. When he came back he let us all in even the people that were not going to Thom’s. I was incredibly irritated I decided not to complain ‘cause then I would end up standing there for the next hour.

Thom lived in a very small apartment, the building used to be a hotel, so when you walked in it looked like the kitchen had just been thrown in or made up. It was so small, that if he invited four people, the apartment was full, but that never stopped him Thom used to invite the whole town. It used to get so full that most of the gatherings would have to moved to the roof top upstairs. I knocked on the door and he greeted me with a huge smile. “Hallo! It’s been a minute!” I was shocked, he actually said something without the dictionary or language book. I wanted to clap and celebrate, but a drunk Thabo stumbled to the door. “Eeehhh! Chipppyyy!!! Love of my life! We have been waiting, your boyfriend the security guard was here long ago. Why so, long eh? Come I have a surprise for you!” He leaned forward and nearly pushed me to a fall. He stank, I figure he had been at it for hours, the alcohol that is. I walked apartment in the apartment and as usual it was packed to the brim. String was also there he was passed out on the couch. Thabo and String obviously did not go to work, not that Thabo really had a job, he was a ‘Home Pharmacist’ whatever that is.

I sat down, got a drink and made myself comfortable, Thabo dashed into Thom’s room and came back… he had a flower in his hand, the same type of flower that I had picked in the dream or strange place I had been. He extended his arm, handing it to me and smiled. He must have noticed the look on my face because he said: “I have been there too, it started in my backyard, I saw you there once, you looked so beautiful, you will like it there and sometimes I feel like I want to stay there forever, but we all wake up at some point. They put that place there so we could escape this place out here, it was to find peace from our troubles. There are different kinds.” I had no idea what to say. “There’s also bad places.”

He went silent and looked at me, kept blinking from drunkenness. “Places, where people like Luke should be.” I was not in the mood to talk about Luke, I had enough talking with Rudulpho. Thabo started swaying then he sat next to me and put his arm over my shoulder. “I love you my friend, but you disappointed me when you went that route, I told you that he wanted the best of both worlds, I said that… I could see right through that lying face… UGLY, LYING, FACE!” “That’s enough Thabo.” “No! It’s not enough! It’s never enough! He stole from you! And you let him off! He stole your love, your dignity, your pride, your beauty, your beliefs… he even turned you against us and you say I have said enough! You should take him to the nightmare place and leave him there!” I knew that the alcohol was talking, but to some level he was right I let Luke do some things I never should have. “Enough! Me? I have said enough. Chippy come on now you are protecting the same guy who conspired against you with those monsters that destroyed your teenage life! The ones that accused you of abortions and being a slut! Things that you would never do Chippy… those people don’t appreciate human life, they are thieves and thugs of the soul, the darkness that weighs them down is beyond us. YOU CAN NEVER SAVE THEM! And then you say that I have said enough!” This was getting to be the longest, most eventful Wednesday I had lived through, but I was not bored yet! “Fuck man you piss me the fuck off! Get over him! It’s not hard to tell that he still worries you.” I wanted him to stop because the whole room was looking at us in concern. He kept quiet for a while, kept swaying, gave me a kiss on the cheek and stumbled towards the bedroom.

I had been here for a moment and I had not even noticed that there was music playing. Nas was screaming made you look and it sounded like and anthem. When the chorus came up everyone sang along and the hardcore hip hop heads pretended to know all the words, but you could see some of them mumbling and not getting them right. “Say oops I made you look, you are a slave in the page of my rhyme book.” I love Nas, but everyone had gone crazy, they were screaming and shouting. I guess it was a Nas marathon because the following songs were him. ‘One mic’, ‘If I ruled the world’, ‘I know I can’, ‘Street dreamer’, ‘NAS’… I stopped keeping up, there were songs whose names I did not know but had heard before.

I sat back on the couch and could hear String snoring and I thought about what Thabo said. I was scared, I was afraid that if I let go I would be empty, but I had to, I had felt too much. Yet, what rang in my head the most is I can take him to a nightmare and leave him there. I could take Luke to a Nightmare and leave him there. I was not sure that I wanted to do that. I didn’t want him to have nightmares, I just wanted him to feel the way that I did. I wanted to stop thinking about him. I sat on the couch for a while and watched people dancing and drinking. The bell rang, minutes later Vusa walked in… he had a new girl on his arm. He and the girl were wearing matching blouses, she was wearing pants and he was wearing a skirt. They had the same cherry lipstick on. I got up excited and rushed to greet them. She looked at me and walked away. I felt snubbed, he looked at me apologetically, hugged and kissed me and walked away. I went back to the same old couch. String was still at it snoring like he was being paid for it.

I started wondering where Thabo was, I made my way to Thom’s room to look for him. I found him lying on the bed like a star fish and his face buried in his own puke. It must have been a long day. I had to help him, he would have done the same for me if not more.
I went to the bathroom, got a bucket, and a cloth. I walked in the room and tried to clean him off, turned him around and tried to take off the sheets, and out fell a pack of white powder. So, this is the kind of pharmacist Thabo is. I wanted to clean his face and it seemed, it wasn’t the booze that put him to sleep. Something in me began to panic, I wondered if he had overdosed. I ran into the bathroom again and ran a bath of cold water, screamed for Thom and we carried him to the bath tub. We dropped him in and he awoke immediately. He looked at me, looked at Thom and laughed. I was furious! “Did you take drugs Thabo?” “Not enough to deserve a cold bath.” Thom laughed too. I stood there, looking at Thabo. Thom walked out, Thabo got up and started stripping…my heart beat a little faster, I walked out. The man did have a beautiful body.

Vusa walked in after a minute and asked what the commotion was about. I pointed at Thabo. Thabo was half naked and smiling as I walked out he screamed: “have you been off men so long that a male body makes you blush eh?” They laughed, I left. I was annoyed. Yes Thabo’s body was pleasing to the eyes – maybe he should be an underwear model, but I didn’t think the situation was funny.

I got home and wondered about the place of nightmares.

















Chapter 14

I woke up, checked my foot – which was fine. Walked to the bathroom and took a long deserved shower. When I was done I decided to check my phone. I had apology sms’s from Vusa and Thabo. They knew they had to do more than sms to get me in their good books. I walked around the room searching for clothes and picked up the leather ochre outfit. I wondered how it got to my floor. I dropped it again and settled on wearing a pink dress and wedge heals to work. Today I was going to make it to work. I was not going to let my hurts stop me from going. I had to be there.

I got there early and King K was wearing what seemed to be an Isreali kaftan. He had just prepared himself to be the butt off all jokes. I thought it looked cool, but through the day we would hear names like Joseph, the High priest, Jesus Jersey, Holy One and Son of wan. Never did get the last one. I just called him King K, after all he hired me and was my friend so, I didn’t really see why I should make fun of him.

I spent most of the day trying to figure out what Thabo said I never really did. Thabo and Vusa showed up at lunch with flowers and a picnic lunch. They knew how to get me smiling, but I tried not to smile, I hugged Vusa and Thabo gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You worry too much Chippy.” “You guys are idiots too much.” “That is grammatically incorrect.” Vusa said. I gave him my famous ‘Fuck off’ look. “So, have you taken what I said last night into consideration Chippy?” “Thabo there was really nothing to consider given the fact that you were telling me what you were saying, I appreciate the honesty though… I have been thinking about the nightmare place.” “Oh, I did not mean that, it was wishful thinking.” Vusa decided to join in “I am lost could we talk about something that has to do with me.” Thabo rolled his eyes and walked towards the elevators, I followed and we left Vusa standing with his mouth open wide.

We took a short walk to Cape Town Gardens and set our selves up on a beautiful patch of grass. My pink dress was perfect for this day. Vusa sulked the whole way; I wanted to tell him to go home if he wanted to be a big baby. I was not in the mood I had dealt with enough self centred people.

When I got back to the office, they had added a new person to our already chokablok packed office. Now this guy was weird. His name was Jerome, he looked colored, acted colored (Had the done up V6 and everything), spoke colored, spelt colored and had a sister name Monishia, but besides all that evidence he swore he was a Hlubi Xhosa man. No one believed him. I just wasn’t sure about anything he said. The only thing that I knew without a doubt about him is that if you were a female, he was chasing you. Oh he did not discriminate, you didn’t even have to fit a certain criteria, you just had to be a girl.
The office was so cramped I wanted to quit my job, I wanted to tell King K, but there was so much going on I just did not want to worry him about my problems. He was working hard, he was suppose to be a director by now, but the politics and madness of working in a place where your career is determined by awards that you get because of popular opinion and not artistry – my heart broke for him. He was too talented, too artistic, too good for that place. He was not an arrogant asshole like me, but like Kanye said you can’t be an asshole too long. King K was not an asshole I was, that is why we worked so well together.
I learnt a valuable lesson, where I lived, I could say what I felt, I could express myself and I was allowed to fight and defend myself if I had to. I was not a coward, I took life head on and I believed that if you hear you, if you stand your ground, things will eventually work for you. My mom has always taught me to stand speak and fight for my right. Unfortunate that the place where I grew up, as a girl if you are outspoken , then you are ghetto, if you love yourself more than you love your man then you are a slut. If you get hurt and get passed it - you are damaged goods. I was shocked and appalled when I heard a grown woman talk to her man who had beat up his ex after the girl called the cops and she asked the question “What’s wrong with her, is she from the ghetto?” What?!? Are women are not supposed to speak out? I was perplexed. Were we supposed to remain suffering. I heard these things and I looked at King K and realised that the industry was raping us just as badly as those small town boys that beat us black and blue and then we are expected to make it our little secret. After the girl called the police on the boy that hit her, he conspired against her… after that she was labelled a whore!
Who will speak for us if we don’t speak for ourselves… we have learnt the wrong things. You can’t be an asshole for too long.





















Chapter 15

I was angry, very angry! It seemed my life revolved around something that I really hated. I felt like I was going to drown. I really felt that my life was being prostituted by some mass opinion bullshit machine, I felt like I was being controlled, that’s why I felt dead in my relationship with Luke. I looked at him and I loved him, but he demanded so much control it was hard to express love my way, I had to try and do it his way. But what was the point of that if what you are really doing is acting. He was a control freak, he had never met a woman with an opinion, he chose down and out women without opinions or anything else. He wanted absolute control, of your life, of your career, your mind, your heart, your reactions, your actions the works. I didn’t get it at first, but after a while, especially when I went out with friends and he would say: “Why can’t you just stay at home and read a book.”

It was pretty hard for me to understand this because, what I had been taught about relationships is that, have your own life and give your man space. He would disappear I would hang with friends. I would get knocked down. I was angry, I was real angry. I wanted the world to know how I felt, but I had no idea how to tell them. After work I walked to Al.B’s found Carmello there and we had cranberry juice, she gave me a tissue I wept the whole evening.

When I woke up I was sleeping in one of the bunk beds at the back packers. I opened my eyes and there was a man standing over me staring, he looked West African, I sat up he gave me two frozen teaspoons and said: “Carmello says put those over your eyes, they will take away the puffiness and she says get up and go home and shower and change … you will be late for work.” I had forgotten about work and I just didn’t want to go. “I don’t want to go.” He turned around and looked at me. “We are not all built like Rudulpho, he has years of experience being out there, but we cant all do it. I have seen you, you like pretty things go on and work for them, they make you happy. Come I will help you up and out.” “What’s your name?” He smiled and answered. “My name is Gillian, I am the security here and I make all the furniture too.” I smiled, then I stopped ‘cause I knew my teeth were dirty.

I wanted to walk home, but time would never allow me to so I went and got the car, still parked next to work and I drove home. The house felt lonely, it felt so dead. I thought about getting a dog for a while, but I decided it would be a bad idea because that meant responsibility. I really didn’t feel like going to work I sat on my bed for a while. I dosed off, I opened my eyes and I was in the field again. Charles wasn’t next to me I was entering the hole alone.

I walked down a spiral flight of mud stairs that went on for a while. Today was not as full as it usually is. Inside, the place was not that well lit. There were lit butterflies on the wall, their bodies played as a bulb and they kept flapping their wings, at first I thought they were ornaments, then I realised that they were actual butterfireflies. I was amazed. I walked around for a minute, the place looked more like a restaurant more than anything else, but there were exotic flowers everywhere. I walked around d and the place seemed empty, there was a bar, chairs and tables, a lounging area, but the furniture was different, there was something weird about it, it almost looked alive. I looked around for Thabo, I wanted to see him, somehow I thought that his presence would make me feel safer. I walked around some more, I was expecting to see new creatures, but to no avail. I felt like I was being watched though, somehow there were eyes on me, but as I looked around there was no one except for the butterfireflies. I had no idea where to go, so I went and sat on the couch in the lounge. When I sat down, the strangest thing happened, I dropped my weary body on the couch and poof! Butterflies and flowers flew out from the couch and everywhere. It was the weirdest thing. I didn’t get it, the room became covered with flowers and butterflies, I wanted to leave, I felt like going home, right then and there.
For the longest time I sat there and waited I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for. I thought about Luke, I tried not to but I thought about him, my tummy started turning, it was upset, I wanted to call him, my heart beat faster and I became sweaty, I really wanted to hear from him. I wanted to talk to him. That made me a disappointment to myself.

I suddenly woke up, I realised it was midday, I had so many missed calls from work, I decided that I did not want to go back, I was done with my job, I had no idea what I would do for money, but I was sure that I was tired of walking into that office. I sat up and thought about what Gillian said, I shrugged it off, I thought about what my heart said, I mean I hardly knew Gillian, something in me told me that I would be fine.

I got out of bed, my heart was incredibly heavy, I had carried Luke from the dream place to reality. Thabo was right I must go leave him in some locked up corner in my mind, leave him there for days. But, I knew I did not have that in me, I would want to save him anyway. Locking him up won’t help. I looked at book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I stared at it, picked it up and read a quote that said: “I long for a small respite from the reaching, a moment of sweet stillness.” That quote said exactly what I felt, I needed to breath, my job was not helping me get over my shit, it made it worse – it was the same thing. Luke or the job - either way I was being suffocated, murdered, buried alive. This was my only way out.

I stood there for a long time; I wondered if I should call Luke, after all I had a lot to say. I decided not to. I was not in the mood to be called stupid, a whore, dirt, or anything that condescending. I wished I felt better; I didn’t want to feel the way I did. I looked at the floor again and I sat down and stayed that way for the rest of the day.












Chapter 16

I woke up on the same spot on the same floor the next day, it was Saturday. It seemed that one Friday had been the quietest birthday I had ever had. I got up checked my phone. I had 40 missed calls; a combination of work and my friends. I wasn’t in the mood to return any of their calls. I felt like I was loosing hope. I looked around my room and I felt like I was sinking into the mess that surrounded me. I had clothes everywhere, my duvet and blankets were lying unkempt on my unmade, never made bed. My wigs and necklaces lay around everywhere. One wig at the bed post the other on the cupboard door. The cupboards were about to burst also, I was not sure what clothes were in there either.

I could see myself floating away, I felt like I was loosing it. I didn’t want to go outside, I had no interest in being inside either. I went through my stuff, found a pack of cigarettes, smoked it, coughed and choked. Felt the intense feeling of suffocating at my own hand, drank some water. My throat felt irritated for days after that. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, but I knew that self pity was not going to get me through the day. I went through my make up case. I had too much stuff in there, I cleaned it out, I felt a little better. I started cleaning my room, I took out shoes and separated them into piles. The charity pile, and the staying pile. I took out all my clothes and did the same with them, I cried, because I remember buying every item and all of them represented what I was feeling that day. I went through the jewellery and kept only the things that made sense. I changed my linen and burnt vanilla incense, it smelt amazing.

I walked out of the room and made my way to the living room, I walked down the stairs slowly, my body still ached from sleeping on the floor the night before. I took off the paintings on the wall one by one because they all had something to do with Luke. I got downstairs, I looked around and I moved the couch first, then the TV… I removed the TV all together. I moved the bookshelf to the middle and packed the books in alphabetical order, I took the table in the middle of the room and moved it away to the spare room with the TV. I went to the kitchen took a mop and scrubbed the floors. I cried whilst I mopped the floors. I went to the kitchen cleaned every plate, every spoon, every pot and anything that I could see. I felt incredibly sad.

I made my way back up the stairs and into my room and I stared into space, then I decided to look around the room for something else to do. I stared at my arm sling, I had put it in the charity pile. I began to remember how I got that sling, how I hurt my arm.

Not Long after Luke and I had broken up and I moved out of the house that we shared, I went to pick up my belongings which I had been stalking him for (for a while). It was strange, I got there that day and I asked for my stuff – that’s the thing it was my stuff and my fish. He refused to let me in. Before I went there I was in a heavy praying regimen, I prayed all the way to his house. My heart was heavy. When I finally got there he wouldn’t hand me my stuff, I said I would wait. He got in his friends car and left his house, I followed, he parked I got out of the car and tried to speak to him. He wouldn’t listen. He picked up a girl on the side of the road, and then I remember lying on my back at the parking lot, scratches on my hands and a key in hand. A lady stood over me, asked me to come to her car, she gave me juice and told me she had called the cops she saw him strangle me and hit me. I was hysterical, I cried and cried. I did not notice that my arm was hurt. The pain in my chest was more dominant. The cops arrived I walked out the car, he came back with the girl at that moment. I reported the incident, they put him in the police car – I knew I did not want him in that car it broke my heart. But someone had to put him right at some point, but I was too late he was damaged. I stopped the whole thing I asked the cops to leave him alone. Of course he saw no error in what he did, he does not think abusive men should be held responsible – he just blamed every little thing on his father. I offered to support him if he wanted to get help, he told me that he had done worse to women and it didn’t matter and if he hit his new girlfriend she would never report him. I wasn’t sure what to think, all I knew is that my world had been knocked right down and here comes that Kanye, Keri Hilson song again. Love knocked me down.

Days later Luke was found sitting with our small town brothers and sisters at our old house, they sat there, had pizza, drank beer and mixed a pile of mud to drag my name through. The village folk, had a village mbizo (meeting) in a big city about a little girl they had always hated, that’s why I was safer behind the pearly white gates at my parents house. I should have never let Luke walk past those gates, he didn’t deserve to step beyond them, but the truth is; the Luke I knew then did deserve to and the Luke I know now… well those two aren’t the same person
























Chapter 17

For the first time in a long time, I woke up in my own bed on a Sunday. No loud vacuum cleaners, no arguments, no church invitations, just the sun shining over my face and nudging me to wake up and spend the day, because I couldn’t save it even if I tried. I woke up. Heart heavy and breaking. The funny thing is that I was well aware of what happened between Luke and I, but every morning when I woke up I prayed, I prayed that God make it better, I prayed that he keep Luke, sometimes when my heart was really sore I prayed that he would get better and come home. There was no doubt that I still loved this man, but I had to learn to live without him and as far as fate was concerned it seemed to be leading me further and further away from him. I was perplexed, I prayed about it so long, everyday just sounded like a repetition. I longed for the days when my prayers came true, I actually prayed for those days too.

I got out of bed, put my slippers on and dragged my feet to the bathroom. Tasha was running back and forth trying to get ready for church. I considered going, I knew it would take the empty feeling away, but I remembered something else at that moment. A few weeks ago I met an artist called Datty. Datty said he lived up the road from me. He lived on the Farm at the end of Military road. There were many rumours about that Farm. They said the Farm was a drug lab, a crack-house and all sorts of things. But Datty lived at the farm, he told me they housed homeless kids and on Sundays they had braais to raise money for the kids there. That Sunday I decided I would go check out the gathering at the farm. I knew there was a farm up there, but I had never been there. Today was the day that I would put on my pretty Sunday dress, a hat and make my way to the farm.

I looked like a little lady from the sixties in my A-line blue dress, clutch bag church hat and my blue pumps. I picked up an umbrella and made my way to the farm. The closer I got to the Farm the more I could hear music and the sound of children laughing and playing. When I got to the gate I was amazed by the sight I saw. Firstly, the farm was exactly the way I had imagined it ten minutes before I got there, a beautiful dilapidated haven for little children and arty types. I walked closer to where the crowds were and what seemed to be a mini flea market. The merchants sold all types of goodies, from birth stones to art and food. Everyone was doing something. In one corner there was a group of people conversating through music, others were dancing with colours on a joint canvas. It felt great to be there, it felt like I was supposed to be there, I knew I was welcome.

I walked around, sat around and took off my hat and shoes and played with the children. My prized blue church dress had become a play dress, they held on to it, pulled it, I fell all over it and after all was said and done I looked like I had been in a sandstorm. My perfectly pinned up bush of hair had collected so much grass I looked like a Neanderthal. I wanted to stay there forever. “Lets go play in the mud!” One child had the greatest idea I had heard in a long time, we jumped straight in the mud we didn’t have a care in the world. We played hard and by the time we were done we were tired, well I was tired, but a good tired, not the type of tired that makes me want to run from the world. This tired made me want to lie on the grass and watch the clouds pass us by. And that’s exactly what I did, I watched the clouds pass on by I felt the sun shining on my face. I woke up to Datty patting me on the shoulder. “Wake up Chippy, it will be dark soon.” Had I slept that long? I woke up and I tried to smile at him but my face felt like it was cracking from the dry mud. I wanted to laugh at myself. I got up and collected my shoes hat and bag. I didn’t bother to put them on. I walk home barefoot and crusty from all the dry mud. Datty walked me half way, I thanked him for inviting me and I carried on the rest of the way home alone. When I arrived at my building, someone was moving in or out, I did not care until I saw the dark chocolate god that was moving into my building.

Oh goodness, this man was unbelievable, he was like a painting, I just wanted to stare, and the way he moved was like poetry I just wanted to listen to his footsteps. I was staring at him and he knew it, he looked at me for a while and I stood there looking at him, gazing at him. Falling in love with a guy that was moving in two doors down from Tasha and I. I wanted to say Hi, but forgot how to say the words. I kept looking, staring, gazing, loving and then to my embarrassment I realized I looked like a hobo. I had dry mud all over me, my hair was filled with grass. I was a terrible sight. I opened the gate, he stood and looked at me, he smiled, I walked past him, head down in embarrassment and rushed to my apartment.

When I walked into the Apartment, Tasha was with Jabulani, the kid was not there, Vusa had also come over… he didn’t tell me. He had made himself comfortable and was watching a movie. When I walked in, they all turned around and looked at me. I was a mess. “ Heh, hayi ke wena!” Vusa exclaimed. “Where on earth have you been? Ok, well we can see that you have been one with wet earth. But why? “I went to a Charity thing Vusa and I played with the kids and we kinda got out of hand. I want to shower now. Excuse me guys.”

I walked upstairs, took off my dirty clothes and took a good long shower. I scrubbed my body and shampooed my hair; it took me a long time to get the grass bits out of it. After the shower I lay on my bed for a while and then creamed my body. After creaming my body I wore another dress a pink one this time, blow dried my hair and put in a pink ribbon. I felt alive. I wanted to call Lana for Sunday dancing.

I walked down stairs, when I got there, they all stared at me, then I noticed Tasha was cooking again… the food smelt offensive. I decided it was time to call Lana, before I got the chance to do what I had planned there was a knock on the door, I answered (I was the resident door answerer). I opened the door and it was the Dark god from outside. What the hell was he doing at my door, why was he here? He smiled. “You left a chunk of your mud in the courtyard.” How on earth did he recognise me? Everyone inside burst out laughing. I wanted to go and kill them. He laughed too, my heart stopped for a second and then another. “I just wanted to come and introduce myself to my interesting and very earthy neighbour.” He had jokes. The fools in the house laughed again. I was annoyed that they were eaves dropping. Tasha came to the door and she said: “Why don’t you come in? I am almost done with lunch, I wanted him to say no, but he said yes instead. I really didn’t want him to eat that food. She walked away. He stretched out his hand I gave him mine and he shook it and said: “My name is Nqaba.” I was not too sure what his name meant, but it had to do with a fort. All I knew is that I was in love. He was beautiful. Needless to say… dancing was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to know him that’s all. He made me feel something that Luke had stolen from me. I wanted him to be around… for the sake of feeling alive.











































Chapter 18

Monday, threw it’s ugly self upon the people that cared to have jobs like a desperate old run down call girl. I could hear that Tasha was not happy about going to work by the way she was moving around. Oh and that the time was 9 and she was still walking around the house. Work started at 8:30 for her. I got up and went to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and saw the leftovers from the offensive food. Everyone pretended to eat the food and at different intervals we all ended up claiming that we had eaten earlier and we were full. Nqaba said he was a vegetarian, but Vusa says it’s a lie he was just not into that food. Vusa and I snuck out later and had Mcdonalds… I hate Mcdonalds, but not as much as Tasha’s food.

I looked at the food and wanted to throw it out… it looked like it could talk, I was afraid of it. I walked to the courtyard, I noticed that some of my mud was still there I walked away from it. I wondered what on earth I wanted to get up to. I stood outside in my pyjamas and inhaled the crisp morning air in. “Good morning Chippy. From mud to scary pink pyjamas!” I turned around, it was Nqaba. It seemed that our relationship would be riddled by my embarrassing moments… no, not that relationship… the neighbourly kind. Ohhh, but boy was he hott!! I smiled, couldn’t speak and walked back to the house. I realised I gave him a dirty tooth smile. Note to self: no more pyjama visits to the courtyard. I had to get it together somehow.

I walked back in the house Tasha, was sitting on the couch, staring into space, with her cereal bowl in hand. I looked at her, I hated asking people what was wrong I wanted them to tell me when they were ready. “Chippy, I am sick.” “Tash, do you have the Flu?” No Chippy, I have Aids, Sipho called, he said he has it.” “But you are super healthy, you don’t have it.” I stood there for a while. She turned and looked at me. “I knew before he did I just kept denying it.” She got up took her bag and left. I had no idea what to say or do. I sat down and I switched on the TV and then I denied it. My friends play sick jokes all the time I thought and this was just one of those times.

I realised that I enjoyed denying things, I tried to watch TV, but it just annoyed me. I wondered why Nqaba was not at work then I remembered to brush my teeth. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I looked at the brush glass and realised that Luke’s toothbrush was still there. I threw it in the toilet bin. I wanted to stick it in the toilet and give it back to him.

I walked around the house aimlessly, trying to think of how to spend my day. Rudulpho came to mind, but I was lazy. I sat there and wondered why Tasha never told me. She says she knew. I wanted to get her something, but what do you get someone that is going to die. If lives were for sale I would get her one, but this was inconsolable. I was sure that she must be very afraid. I lay on the couch and a sneaky thought knocked on skull, should we share things… I realised I was being stupid. I knew all about this disease, but how much do we really trust what the government teaches us?

I wanted new music, I bathed, got dressed in shorts and a vest and I walked down to the Hi five music store on Kloof street. When I got to the music store I was amazed by the great selection they had. It was beautiful I felt like I had walked into music heaven. I wanted to buy everything, but I ended up replacing what I had lost and getting two new CD’s. I treated myself to Asa, all the Roots Albums and Erykah Badu’s Amerykah. I was happy. I would knock the apartment off it’s foundation with super good music… I was feeling it already.

I walked back home, I was missing something but I was really not sure what it was.






































Chapter 19

Tasha, had not come home in two days, I was worried but she did that when she was upset. She went to stay with her friend Jabulani. I wanted to call, but I did not want to seem overbearing. I figured if she wanted me to know she would have let me know. And I believed that people needed space sometimes. I cleaned the scary food out of the fridge, it had been there long enough. I took out the food and it looked like it had frowned at me. I saw a bottle of wine in the fridge and decided that I would have a mini picnic on the bench in the courtyard. I took a book, a glass and the bottle.

I got to the bench and made myself comfortable, I started reading my book when, my god of a neighbour placed himself next to me. I looked up at him, smiled and forgot the word ‘Hi.’ He got up and went to his apartment. I was sure he thought I was rude and had left for good. He came back with a glass of wine, a book and another bottle. I smiled again. He made himself comfortable and took the legs I had put on the bench over his legs. My heart was jumping out of my throat.

I was reading a book written by a friend of mine called ‘Fuck you, this is not a Haiku.’ It was a book written solely to express his intense hatred for contemporary stage poets that used words and rhythm to create nonsensical bullshit that the pretentious, intellectually challenged crowd nods to. He does however mention that there are good poets out there, that do make sense just that there are too many make believe bull-shitters too ( my friend also had trouble finding a publisher, therefore he self-published). That’s why we became friends we hated bull-shitters, that’s why I bought ‘Fuck you, this is not a Haiku.’ I loved the honesty of the book.

I tried not to look at him, but there was something about the side profile of a hot guy that I really could not resist. I kept peeking at him, I couldn’t concentrate on my friends injection of haterade by way of a book, so I pretended to read, whilst taking a peak here and there of him. I watched him sip on his glass, the way he held the glass, the way he sipped, they way he swallowed. Oh my god! I found everything he did incredibly attractive. I was getting nervous and I really didn’t want to sit there and make a fool of myself but at the same time I didn’t want to leave either… actually I never wanted to leave.

I kept stealing a look here and there and he seemed like he was engrossed in his book, I looked at what he was reading and I realized he was reading Malcolm Gladwell’s “Tipping Point.’ I was a fan and I wanted to launch into conversation, but everything I wanted to say did not feel smart enough. My head was going around in circles and I wanted to talk but not talk, I wanted to walk away but not walk away. I was going insane, it was a miracle that I did not start twitching. I looked at my feet on his lap and I began to wonder if my feet stank. What if they did and he could smell them, then what. A girl with smelly feet, that is not attractive. I was so scared of him.

“Hard to read when you have a lot on your mind.” I stared at him as he spoke, I was not sure what to say… I hesitated, he wanted to talk and I was not sure I knew how to talk in front of him. “You are awfully quiet for someone who likes playing in the mud.” I kept quiet still I could see he was getting uncomfortable. “Ok then… it was lovely sitting in the sun with you, but I have some work to get to.” I watched him get up… I had to say something. I quickly said: “I can talk, just that you are a stranger.” Oh crap what the fuck did I just say? “Stranger? I thought the introduction on Sunday was so that you guys don’t feel like I am a stranger, but I guess it’s harder to get through to some people.” I did not like what he said at the end about it being harder to get through to some people … it felt like a smug insult. He started walking away; I had to make him stay. “Wait! Ummm… what work will you be doing?” He turned and looked at me, he smiled and said: “It’s always better when people see. Come and bring your wine.”

We walked into his apartment, it was cleaner and prettier than Tasha and my place, but the floor plan was the same. He had the most amazing Furniture, you could see that he had collected it on travels around the world. This piece here and that piece there. I was in awe. Antiques here and there, modern art here and there – the décor was decadently stylish and tasteful. I did not want to touch anything. I walked in and stood in the middle of the room. I was staring at everything – if that is possible. He took my hand and pulled me. I was uncomfortable, I had to leave, I wanted to say that I forgot something at home, or I had to be somewhere. He was making me nervous. We went to the kitchen he poured more wine for both of us and we went upstairs. He opened one of the rooms and said: “This is my studio.” My eyes feasted on so many visual delicacies, He had paintings, photographs, prints, t-shirts, murals, sculptures, carvings on furniture, pottery, glass blowing equipment and every wall in the room from floor to ceiling was lined with books, all sorts of books, books I never even knew existed. I turned to look at him, he was smiling again and as I was looking the strangest thing happened. My mind played tricks on me because behind him, outside the door was not his apartment, but the field behind my parents house. He was real, but he was inside my dream. Were we sharing this dream or was I dreaming of him?

















Chapter 20

The vision wore off and I told Nqaba I had to go babysit my friend’s fish. He didn’t believe me I could see it in his eyes. I always thought that Luke’s eyes were the only ones I could read, but I could see something in this guy, it was sincere, but it had an ego the size of an African elephant. There was something about him that walked tall, something that made him more then just a man

I left knowing that I wanted to see him again, but my madness told me that I had to get away. I walked into my apartment, it did not feel that great being in there, I had just seen a very beautiful place and our place looked so boring compared to what I had experienced. I had to leave the house, if my hot neighbour knew that I was home he would really think I was a liar. I searched for my car keys and my hand bag and left.

I had no idea where I was driving to, all I knew is that I was going forward, I thought about my neighbour all the way to nowhere. I called up Vusa and asked that we meet for tea, of course I had remember that I could not tell him about my dream place, I had never told him and to say that I ran away from someone because I was hallucinating would be crazy. We met up anyway.

When Vusa showed up, he was wearing a dress I had borrowed him a long time ago, and he had lied and said he had never seen it I greeted him with a “Oh my, that dress looks mighty familiar.” His reply was classic as always. “Yeah, it does, the girl I got it from was real chunky so I had to get it pulled in a bit, I mean a lot.” I had nothing more to say to him – well about the dress at least. “So, Vusa tell me, what did you think of Nqaba?” “Hmmm, he was ok…well more than ok, I mean he did not have that thing that makes me feel uneasy that Luke had. I did not like that Luke guy he made me feel like I was an alien – not in a good way. He was mean to me and I could see that he was judging me, this guy was totally comfortable.” As usual, everything was about Vusa. “ Why, you thinking about him?” “No.” I lied. “He weirds me out.” I lied again. “Oh well, I did however feel that the whole inviting himself to your house thing was out of order. Otherwise yeah I could have drinks and hang with him.” There was no point I couldn’t tell Vusa anything, he would think I was crazy anyway.

We had tea and he spoke about himself the whole afternoon, he thinks this of that, he went here, he reckons he is better suited to be on the cover of V magazine instead of that guy. He is more stylish than, this person or that person, he thinks this he thinks that… he feels this he feels that. I felt like switching him off, I wanted to talk to someone sensible and it was obvious I would never get a word in with Vusa.

After the afternoon tea I decided I would apologise to Nqaba and just tell him that I felt uncomfortable that’s why I ran off, but I had trouble forming the sentences in my head so I left them alone. I decided to go to Jabulani’s house and look for Tasha, hopefully she will be there, it’s been a while and I was starting to worry.

Jabulani wasn’t home and she had not seen Tasha since Sunday, I was not sure what to think. I drove home wondering where she was and if she was ok, I tried her cell, it was off. I went home worried.

When I got to the door there was a package in-front of the door addressed to me. I looked around, opened the door and opened the package once I was inside. I was excited. I wanted to know who it was from and why? I hesitated. What if it was from Luke? Anything that Luke would send would be hate mail or insults… that would mean he would have gotten good packaging insults and so forth. I decided to open it anyway. It was a book, by Nikolai Gogol and it came with a note. It said: Mud pie, sorry for scaring you earlier. I understand that my presence can be intimidating. He didn’t sign his name and I try to only run from one person a day. That day it was him.

I was so preoccupied I didn’t notice anything when I got to the house. I heard a thumping noise upstairs. I walked up to check and I thought to myself black people don’t go check they run. I opened my room and the coast was clear, then I opened Tasha’s room and there she was, eyes bloodshot and looking like hell had just had it’s way with her. She was packing some of her stuff. “Tasha, where have you been? I was worried.” “I have been right here Chippy, you didn’t even notice. Did you throw out the food I cooked?” There was no good answer for that question, I mean good for me so I don’t feel bad and so she does not think I hate her food. “Aaahh yeah, ummm, I thought it had been there for a long time.” “Oh. I am going away for a while.” “Where are you going?” “Are you seriously asking? Dude I like have Aids and I just want to go think about my short ass life.” “Well, sorry! I was just a little concerned.” What I really felt was that I was behaving like Vusa a little bit. I knew I should just keep quiet. I stood there and looked at her. She was upset, I walked over and hugged her, she pulled away, I cried and walked away. I got to my room and I realised that I had made her pain about me.





















Chapter 21
I woke up early the next day, but Tasha had already left. I figured she must be mad at me, then I realised I was being selfish again, why was I worried about me and how she felt about me when she had a monumentous problem facing her. Who was I in the ocean of things she had to deal with. I should have made her my priority. At least I learned something from Luke, but unlike him, I could see how dangerous it was.

I walked downstairs and I noticed my package from last night it was sitting humbly on the table. I read the note again and it said: Mud pie, sorry for scaring you earlier. I understand that my presence can be intimidating. For some reason it pissed me off and I wanted to throw the book in his face. I decided against it, I figured it would be rude and that would also prove (to me) how much more of Luke’s behaviour I had taken up. Inexplicable anger toward people that act kindly towards you… that was Luke on his best days.

I took out my laptop and googled Nikolai Gogol. He was a realist, interesting. I wanted to read the book but I felt incredibly lazy. I could feel that I still wanted to sleep. I was a tad bit depressed. I remembered I had watched a movie about an Indian boy named after Nikolai Gogol… I couldn’t remember the name. I picked up the book, looked at it and threw it on the table. I walked to the kitchen and drank milk straight out of the jug. After-all, Tasha was gone, it was time to let the bad ass habits out. I spilt a drop of milk on my foot, I looked at my feet I realized that they were not swollen, I decided to amp the mood and I put on some James Brown.

The house was my dance floor, my bits were jiggling everywhere I was down to a vest and my panties I was having the time of my life… I was shrugging off all heavy weight. I got on my table and made it Chippy’s Morning! I did not care who heard me. They couldn’t see me the curtains were still closed. I poured the milk down my throat like a rockstar does with water on stage… this was my moment, I jumped on the couch and sang at the top of my voice. Then like the great fall from grace I fell of my couch, I got up again danced some more, screamed my lungs out and as songs changed I heard a knock on the door (I felt embarrassed). I ran to the door, without remembering that I was in underwear opened the door with as much energy as I had danced with, stubbed my left big toe with the corner of the door and to my humiliation the last person I wanted to see was standing at my door (Ok I did not mind seeing him just not at that moment). He laughed and let himself in. It was Nqaba. He sat on the couch and laughed. I ran upstairs. I would have stayed up there, but I couldn’t because I had an annoyingly hot guest who was determined to find me in my worst moments. I looked for my dressing gown.


I made it down stairs after a while, he was still sitting on the couch smiling. James brown was blaring in the background, I switched the music off and stared at him, he laughed, I really didn’t think it was funny this time I really wanted him to leave. I eman why was this guy even here. ”How are you Chippy?” “I have had better days.” “it seems you were having a great day before I got here” “Yes, before you got here.” “Oh I am sorry have I upset you.” “No of course not… I mean it’s not you, it’s just your crap timing.” “Ok, you seem like you have a lot to say, I just wanted to know if you got my gift, but I guess it’s a bad time. I will leave.” “No stay. I am sorry. Thank you for the book, I heard about Nikolai Gogol in a movie.” “I studied him.” He shifted on the sofa as if he was about to say something uncomfortable. “Ummm… Chippy, would you like… I am going to a picnic with friends and…” “No I can’t. I am sorry I can’t. The last time I went to a picnic I came back muddy and right now being on a date wont be right for me.” What the hell was I saying I wanted to go, but my mind was filled with Luke? I could not risk making someone else pay for what Luke did. “I will make it up to you Nqaba, but I can’t not right now.” I just wasn’t ready at the time. I knew that healing would take a while… besides I was still crying about the last guy why would I want a new one?

He looked disappointed and wanted to make him feel better until he said this; ‘it’s not a date you know, I just wanted you to come along.” “I never said it was a date.” I was being defensive I had thought of it as a date. “Buuut… you can make it up to me! Can you cook?” “Yes. Which woman my age can’t cook?” “Your flatmate!” I laughed, I laughed so hard tears rolled down my cheeks. It wasn’t that funny but I needed to laugh, I was also laughing at myself, at my defensiveness and presumptuous nature. I was laughing at the fact that I had been caught with my jelly out. I stopped hatin’ I just laughed. He was shocked and confused. “Ok I am sure what I said was not that funny. Anyway do you want to come over and cook together sometime maybe a Sunday?” Sure lets make it this Sunday – I will bring the wine and desert.” He smiled. I was feeling better already.























Chapter 22
I took a Friday afternoon Nap I was expecting Vusa to blow in like a whirlwind at any time and I knew that it was about to be a harsh weekend or rather Friday night. I put my head down, closed my eyes and in seconds I found myself sitting on the couch, in the place, in the hole, beneath the tree, in the filed behind my parents house. The room was still filled with butterflies and flowers, I could not see beyond them, but as I sat there I could feel a presence around me. I stood up and tried to clear the flowers and butterflies. The more I tried to clear them the more there were and they were so fragrant, so beautiful. The room became a kaleidoscope of rich beautiful colours, my senses were having a buffet but my mind was curious I wanted to know what was beyond the wall of flowers and butterflies.

I tried to sift through them, walking forward slowly the more I tried the more they increased and then I stopped trying and they disbanded, they flew around the room, I tried to sense if there was a wind pushing them it seemed that they moved by themselves and then they started forming figures everywhere around the room, people, creatures everywhere, they were sitting at tables, standing around. I felt something around my legs and I saw Pick and Pay the no name dog. “Oh so you finally found the place, hmm… I never figured you were that smart. Ha!” “You don’t have to be a bitch Pick and Pay.” “My name is Sarah Jane and unfortunately being a bitch is in my genes, so I guess that’s not changing anytime soon.” Ok Sarah, pick and Pay, Jane or whatever your name is… I just want to find out why the hell I am here?” “Why do you think smarty pants, it’s an escape… a place to make you feel better.” “I feel ok.” “No you don’t, you know that.” She was starting to annoy me – big time. There I was being given advice about my life by a dog… a mixed breed dog, which had no name. She walked away after giving me a look with attitude. I looked at my feet I felt like I was standing on hard sand, I realised that even the walls at the place were the same.

I started looking around at the people and creatures there, I felt out of place because I was standing alone, I just did not want to sit on the chair again because I was not sure I wanted the flowers to be all over me again. I noticed a guy sitting at the bar, he looked pretty normal except for his skin he looked he had fish scales, almost like a gold fish and when he turned the tones would change slightly, they would shine this way or that way. I looked at him for a while and I noticed his hands, they were pretty average except for the fact that the tips of his fingers looked like fins. He kept glowing every time he moved an inch. I decided to walk around because besides Pick and Pay everyone seemed to be oblivious of my presence.

I saw very tall human like creatures that stood at one end of the room. They all wore white, they were so incredibly tall that as much as I stretched and stared I could not see their faces or heads. I just saw white robes, coats, dresses and feet. They had really small feet. Whatever they wore never covered their feet. And they had the smallest feet that I had ever seen in my life. I mean I had small feet but these guys could wear baby shoes… booties! I decided to stop staring because I was not sure whether they could see me or not. Then I saw a group of cows that walked on two legs and had human arms. They made me a little nervous, I eat meat and I did not want to see cows in that light. I realised as I was looking at the cows that there was a door next to them, a door that led to somewhere else and people were walking in and out of there I figured it was the bathroom. I walked through the door and I reached a place with a beautiful grey river, a golden brown sky and turquoise trees. I was afraid, I began to wonder if I could back inside. People were moving in and out of the river, the grey river. I walked around and noticed that the grass was pink. I looked at little white creatures hopping up and down in the grass when I heard Vusa’s voice. “Chippy! Chippy!...”

I woke up, he was in the house, I forgot to lock the door. “Honey, you are still in your dressing gown sleeping on the couch!” I wasn’t on the couch when I fell asleep, I was upstairs… woaw. “You must have had a long week without me – I can see by the exhaustion. Is there something you are not telling me?’ I just looked at him and started walking to the bathroom. I took a shower. When I got to my room to get dressed Vusa was already trying on outfits. “Don’t worry honey, you can get dressed in front of me.” “I am not worried I get dressed in front of you all the time.” “Oh, it looks different every time because, you are a dozen inches bigger.” I wanted to take a vase and hit him over the head, but like I always did in such situations, I remembered that I knew worse such as Luke… who for some reason (because I loved him deeply) was always on my mind.

I got dressed Vusa kept making faces, I ignored his Luke like nature. He was Luke at me. Luke at you. We were going to Fiction for good drum and base.























Chapter 23

“Let’s go pick up Thabo!” As usual Vusa wanted to control the night. “Can’t we use your car today? I don’t feel like driving tonight.” I locked the front door and I noticed people coming in and walking to Nqaba’a place, they were all dressed up. I wanted to know what was going on, but Vusa was in a hurry to leave. I got into his car and all I could smell was leather and cigarettes. He started the car and Michelle Nengochello came on. Oh the sweet sounds. I was loving the music. It eased my mood.

We reached Thabo’s house, String was already there, and they said that Lana was on her way, she had just started a new job as a dance teacher at an art school near Thabo’s place. There were other people at Thabo’s place I didn’t want to know them. Themba was there too. She seemed excited to see us. The other people at Thabo’s place were staring at Vusa. I saw they way they looked at him. It was probably the same look that I gave the people at the dream place. There was just something about people that were different that normal people did not like. Whatever normal is. I sat on the couch, it seemed like the party was happening here whilst we all waited for Lana. Vusa could feel the stares, he went outside to the balcony and lit a cigarette. He felt self conscious. I knew that I should have stayed inside, he had a habit of taking things out on me.

I still went outside though (Call me a sucker for punishment) I noticed he was carrying a gold bag that Luke had bought for me. “Hey Lovely.” “ I don’t want to talk right now! And where is that Lana girl, I don’t want to be here.” “Ag Vusa…” “Don’t ag Vusa me ... you have no iodea what it feels like.” I was getting mad. “Actually Vusa I know what it feels like, I grew up with people staring and you know more than anyone that people are staring now more than ever, they want to see what happens, they want to know if I have a breakdown, they are waiting for me to mess up. I know what it feels like Vusa, at least you don’t know what they say. I do. I know the labels that have been given to me. There is nothing wrong with gay or Queen. But I am labelled a whore and for the life of me I don’t know why, but it hurts, it hurts like hell… the worst thing is – it did not matter when it was those people that I would never even hang with that were not part of my life, but when I fell in love with a man who would conspire against me… then it hurt! The worst part is that he knows they are lies but he fuels it… so he can destroy me.’ “Honey I had no idea you felt this way.” “Of course you didn’t Vusa, everything is about you.” “Now, now… your fight is not with me – it’s with Luke. LANA!”

Lana walked in. I was glad that Vusa and I’s heart to heart was over. He just never got me or anything that had to do with someone else. We all poured in to greet Lana, she looked beautiful as ususal. She had her hair up that day. “Chippy, I have not seen you since yopu disappeared and left your bag at Café Brazillia. Lady you need to be careful. But, how are you anyway? I hope that boogie man of your has not bothered you and mostly you haven’t called him. You are beautiful and we love you.” I smiled, I loved compliments just like the next girl. String was smiling and staring, he was the last person Lana greeted and she gave him a kiss on the cheek. She had just made his night.



We got to fiction and the music was pumping, we lost the people from Thabo’s house along the way. We ran into Thom and his crew, Kit the big drug dealer guy, who gave String a nod. We all saw it but pretended not to. We danced till the girls took of their shoes. Thabo was strange, he began to behave like he was my keeper. Whatever I did he was right there to help me out, he got my drinks opened doors walked me to the bathroom. I felt like something was not right.

We left the club went to Vusa’s place he lived at De Waterkant, he had a gorgeous indie place on the top floor of the building. We sat at his house talked and danced some more. Vusa pulled out the 30 second and we played, screaming and shouting jumping and pouncing. The security guard knocked on the door and told us that we were too loud. Vusa said that we would keep it down but that was a lie. We decided to move to the roof with a bottle of champaign. Thabo insisted on sitting next to me. We talked and laughed and watched the stars in the sky and in the far, far horizon we could see the skiy begin to change colour. The sun began to rise and we all lay back. Thabo held my hand, I felt nervous.






























Chapter 24
Waking up in Vusa’s bed was not strange part, the strange part was waking up next to Thabo who was cuddling and holding on for dear life. I tried to break away, but he held on. “Thabo…” “Yes my love?” “Ummmm…I need to go and get some water.” I walked out of the room Vusa was in the kitchen. String and Lana were sleeping on different couches. Vusa was playing a DVD of the L word, it was on a sex scene, I saw one girl cry.

I remembered how I cried with Luke, I cried because I was so in love and I thought I had reached my love nirvana. It was like that feeling you get when you have been inspired, but at the same time I felt like I had done something so great, so meaningful, I felt inspired, my soul was dancing. It was that feeling you get after you have had a near death experience and then you realize that you are alive. It was joyous. It was a smile and a kiss and a warm hug from God. That is how I felt about Luke and I knew no matter what happened it wasn’t going to change.

Vusa looked at me and said “Luke is not coming back honey, he is gone… now help me with breakfast.” “Vusa! You need to put a cork in that dirty self serving mouth of yours.” Lana was awake. I did not like what Vusa said so I walked back to the room where Thabo was sleeping and I climbed in and cried. Thabo sat up looked at me and propped me up. “Ag look at you crying so early in the morning. You have big eyes… did you know that?” I looked up at him, I could tell he was trying, but he was bad at this. He saw a portable mirror on the side table and gave it to me. “look at you, you look so ugly when you cry. Lets go get ice cream.” I was up for that. “Sure, as long as we leave Vusa here.”

We went back to the TV room/ kitchen. Vusa gave me a remorseful look, Thabo took Vusa car keys. We left the house without saying a word. We drove down to green point and got ice cream then we drove top beach road in sea point. We got out of the car and walked on the sand by the beach. “So why are you so upset” “it’s just Vusa he never knows when to stop.” “Yes, Vusa does have a problem, but you are upset because it’s Luke he was commenting about. Right? I wish you would get past it …well we all wish that you could get past it, but you have to want it I guess. I like you Chippy, you are an amazing woman, just that you forget that all the time and that’s when animals like Luke pounce after you and attack. The whole thing makes me angry Chippy, it really does. I told you the day we had Lunch with him at Manna a year and a half ago. I could see it then he just wanted to destroy everything. He stole your dreams.” I stared at the sand. “Let’s go back the others are probably getting worried.”

When we got back to the house Vusa was done with breakfast. Everyone was waiting for us to return. We walked in. I looked at String his eyes were so puffy he looked like he had woken up in an alley. Vusa came and stood in front of me. “Do you want to talk honey? “No not really.” “Well, then are you ok?” “Given my current circumstances I am alright.” We ate in silence.


String being the diligent silent type packed up all the dishes after the meal and washed them. I went back to Vusa’s bed and tried to sleep whilst they watched a movie, I dozed of in a lite sleep. I woke up to Thabo cuddling me again and Vusa snoring on the day bed next to the balcony door in the bedroom. We spent the entire Saturday sleeping.

The sun was shining on Vusa and his caramel skin was glowing (he also had gold glitter on him). As angry as he made me I knew I loved him, I looked at Thabo, peaceful as ever, I looked at them and thought about how much I loved them and they were my family. My phone rang – it was my mom my heart smiled.







































Chapter 25

When we woke up Sunday morning it was pretty much Saturday morning’s déjà vu. Thabo was cuddling, Vusa was cooking and I remembered something. This time I remembered something more pleasant. I remembered a future instead of a past. I remembered I had to cook for Nqaba. I looked at the time it was mid morning, I had to start planning in my head. What on earth was I going to cook? I settled on prawn curry that is always a favourite. Today Vusa had Grey’s Anatomy on. I just watched the show to see Dr Preston Burke and when they fired him I stopped watching. My eye candy was gone so I just stuck to downloading pictures of Isaiah Washington instead.

“Morning Lady Chippy, how are we feeling today?” “ I am fine Vusa.” “Oh yes you should be, with the line up of admirers you have.” “ I am not sure what you are talking about.” “ So, you are going to lie to me and say that you have not noticed a certain pharmacist who is hung up on you and cuddles next to you. I had to sleep in a day bed, because he wanted to keep the bed bugs from biting you.” Just then thabo showed up topless. Lana was the first to comment. “Wow! Guy, if you were not my friend I would jump your bones.” We all laughed. I don’t think that she meant to say it out loud.

I didn’t stay for breakfast I had to do some shopping for cooking supplies. I took a cab home freshened up, got my car and drove to the Pick and Pay in Gardens. I hadn’t been shopping for a while, the last time I had been at that supermarket was when I was still living with Luke. It felt funny being there, I felt a little emotional, but I kept my head up. As I walked around the store I remembered all the things that Luke liked and I avoided buying them no matter how much I liked them.

Finally, the shopping was done. I packed it in the car and as I was about to drive off I saw one of Luke’s friends Mzi. He came over to say hi. It was a little uncomfortable – he had lived on our couch for a while. He asked many questions like – how I was doing, had I heard from Luke and was I going to the Oyster festival. I kept saying no even when he asked how I am doing again, I just said no and got in the car and drove off. He must have thought I was being rude. I just did not feel like Luke catching up on my life through the grapevine or me his. If I was ever going to deal with Luke I wanted to deal with him in person.

As I drove off I remembered I had forgotten to pay my ticket and had to park again and walk back. Mzi looked at me and smiled. He waited for me to get out of the car. “You are still clumsy ha?” I really didn’t feel like talking to him, I gave him a fake smile and he started walking beside me. He was talking I switched him off, paid my ticket and said goodbye.

Finally I was home I looked at the time and started getting nervous. I set up all the stuff so that it is ready to cook. I had a rule. I never start cooking until the guests arrived I wanted cooking to be interactive and most of all it was for transparency so that my guests knew what they were being served, therefore counteracting any allergy and ulcer reactions.

I moved around the kitchen frantically trying to set up everything, then I remembered that he had said that I was to cook at his place. I wanted to kick myself in the shins. I packed everything up again, checked myself out in the mirror and walked two doors down. I was nervous. I could feel that my palms were sweating. I pressed the bell and he came to the door in his underwear (Woaw!). I figured he was trying to make feel less embarrassed about what happened on Friday.

I unpacked my packets (again). I took out the tomatoes, the prawns onions, cream, wine, spices, cous sous, garlic, herbs and my own wooden spoon. He walked into the kitchen in his underwear and started helping with the chopping and took out the pots. I tried not to look at him and kept busy, but he kept looking over my shoulder. He opened the wine and handed me a glass. He went to the TV room and looked through some CD’s. Finally he settled on Billy Holiday. I thanked God. I loved Billy Holiday. The first song he played was ‘God bless the child.’ I started singing along he smiled. I felt a little more comfortable.

The food smelt great, I had had some wine so I was starting to dance around the kitchen, we put on Ella Fitzgerald, sand along and dance to our hearts content. Nqaba was still in his underwear. I must admit he had quiet a cute ass on him. I had seen cute asses but his was nicely toned. I stopped for a second and thought… there is something wrong with him. He is too perfect. I was so used to Luke that I was questioning the beauty that danced in front of me. I went back to the kitchen, checked on the food and willed my mind to stop thinking about that damn Luke. The food was ready. I realised that the entire time I had been there, Nqaba and I said very few words to each other. Than he spoke.

“Chippy, yum…it smells great, better than your flatmate.” He was peeping over my shoulder again. He grabbed my shoulders and kissed my neck I jumped, knocked the cous cous and it fell all over the floor. I had to make it again. He laughed and swept the mess up. I wanted to go home. What was I doing there in the first place? I mean it was obvious that I liked the guy. But why was I there? I was still not over the Luke thing I was still hurting. My eyes started welling up, I couldn’t help it. Maybe I just wanted everything to be perfect like he was. He noticed that I was crying. “Oh come now Chippy, it’s not that bad… don’t cry. What’s wrong?” I could tell he had no idea what to say to me. I looked up at him and said: “I would like to go home I am not feeling too well.” “ I can see you are not feeling too well, but I don’t think going home is what you need. You are in the right place. Switch off the stove I have something to show you. It was meant to be a surprise.”

He held my hand and we walked upstairs and into his studio. Most of his work was covered unlike the other day when I was there. He uncovered a painting, I recognised the flower in the painting. It was the same type of flower I had seen in the dream place. “I had a dream about this flower a few times and when I saw you…after you had washed off the mud… for the first time, I was reminded of the flower. After meeting you it’s all that I have been dreaming about. It feels like I am dreaming about you, it’s just been the flower. I painted it so I could escape it. I wanted it to leave my mind. I finished this painting last night, but I still dreamt about it. I think I have been dreaming of you. It’s delicate, beautiful, graceful… I almost can’t describe it. It makes my heart jump and I just don’t know …it makes me want to see you…” I looked at him, I thought he sounded a little cheesy. I still wanted to go home, the flower thing scared me. I was confused, I had no idea what was really going on. It felt like the world in my dreams was sneaking into my world – it had not taken over yeat, but a part of me felt like the dream world would do that.

I said nothing to him and stared at the flower. “In case you did not get that I painted it for you I wanted to give it to you before you go home.” “I don’t know what to say,… I mean thank you. Can I have a glass of wine please?” “Not quiet the reaction that I was anticipating…” He started walking out of the studio. “Nqaba…” “Yes?” “It’s one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I love it.” I can never say whether I meant that or not, but his eyes lit up. I guess that was the reaction he was anticipating. He took my hand and we walked back down stairs and into the kitchen. He poured the wine, I dished out. We sat down to eat, he said grace. I waited for him to take the first forkful, he seemed to enjoy it and I began nibbling on my food. “I love it, it’s great!” he said in between mouthfuls. “This is great, I absolutely love it.” “Thanks” I smiled. “She smiles!” He kissed my forehead. I felt uneasy again. He backed off. I got up and started clearing the table. He helped me.

In the kitchen I prepared to wash the dishes I could feel him standing behind me. “Chippy, I don’t think it’s a secret that we like each other, I just don’t get why you are so hot and cold.” Geez, I thought, was this guy reading a script. I kept quiet. “You are not going home, until we have spoken about this.” Artists, I thought – wait a minute I am an artist. I had nothing to blame this crazy man on. I turned around and smiled at him. “Nqaba I do like you a lot, but I am naïve, feisty, moody, and ambiguous and I am not so smart when I am angry. I have just been through the worst relationship ever known to mankind and I get confused sometimes, you wouldn’t like it.” I knew what he was going to say. He was going to say that it was ok. “We are all fucked up Chippy, I have my share of drama too you know, but I wont let that make me believe that I should not be with someone I like.” “I need time.” “No, you need the right person in your life.” I knew he was referring to himself as the right person. I couldn’t help what my heart thought and it just wasn’t ready to love yet, not after Luke.

I walked out of the kitchen and sat on the couch, I drank my wine and stared into space, I decided to moisturise my hands he sat next to me and held my hands and massaged the cream into them. He made me nervous, I knew what he wanted and I just wasn’t ready. He kissed me gently on the lips… my heart stopped and started again. I pulled away, grabbed my bag and left. He didn’t stop me, I did not want to be stopped. I could feel the wine having its way with me. I was tipsy.





Chapter 26

When I got home from Nqaba’s house I noticed, that Tasha was home. Some of her bags were on the floor by the couch. I decided not to wake her and went up to my room. I was a little bit upset, I felt that everything was happening at the wrong time and as much as I was not ready I still think that he should have run after me. At least to apologise. Things were not suppose to turn out the way they did. I wanted them to change. I wanted to go to bed and stop thinking about all these people. At the end of the day my hot neighbour was more concerned about himself more than what I was thinking.

I got into my unmade bed and dozed off fairly quickly. I woke up by the grey river, people were still coming in and out of there. I wanted to know what was down there, but I was not sure that I wanted to swim in a grey river. I watched people walk in and out. I noticed that the one that walked out were totally dry and the ones that walkd in were we already. Maybe the wetness was a prerequisite for entering the river. I noticed another tree next to the river, it was bigger than the trees I had seen when I was there before, it had a door, no leaves and it bore one fruit, around it was a green fence. I wondered if it was a portal to another place.

“Beautiful place isn’t it?” I turned around. The strangest man I had ever seen was standing behind me. He wore a black cape with a hood. His mouth was protruding like a dog snout yet he had a human nose. He had hair strands under his eyes and beside his nose. He had a silver bar on his forehead and the corneas of his eyes were a bright red. It lit up when he smiled. I was shocked at his appearance. “Ag don’t be afraid of me… I am mostly harmless.” “Who are you.” “I live here.” “That is not what I asked, I asked who you are.” “I never said I was answering your question either.” Ok so he seemed to have an attitude. “You think I am bad because of the way that I look. Chippy bad just depends on how you see things. Now I would like to show you around.” He walked in front of me and I followed at a safe distance. He had hieroglyphic tattoos all over his legs on his bare feet he only had two toes. He wore a blue cloth with his black cape and as young as he sounded and looked when he walked he supported himself with a walking stick.

We walked around and I saw cats with wings flying around and people with three legs and faces that were tattooed with strange letters. This creature said nothing to me the whole time that we walked around. I saw Charlie with basket picking flowers. I called out to him. “Hi Charlie!” He looked at me and looked worried, he dropped his basket and started running over. The creature grabbed my arm and we were by the river again. “Hey man what was that about?” “Chippy there are people that will help you and people that will confuse you.” I did not trust this guy. “Come lets go to my house and have fruit.”

We walked to the tree with one fruit, he opened the door and we were in his bare home. “So, you know the old man Charlie?” “Yes, but it seems that I have no idea who you are.” “oh well you guys created me… when you were children… humans. I was not the imaginary friend or Tikoloshe I was the one who came at night and was suppose to scare you. My name is Sgoloza.” “Sgoloza ona mehlo ambomvu? ( the Complainer with red eyes)” “It’s not so bad seeing me in person now Chippy is it?” “You are the bad guy.” “That’s just propaganda, bad marketing. You know what they say any PR is good PR… never did make it into a book. So, tell me Chippy why are you here?” “ I was hoping you could tell me that.” “I can’t you keep willing yourself here, you are escaping something or is it someone…” “oh so if I have willed my self here I can wake up and never come back.” “I don’t know your heart and your mind are not in harmony, you are still at war with you, so it seems that you will keep coming back until you are ok.” I was not sure it what he said made any sense, but I wasn’t trying to get on Sgoloza’s bad side.

He got up and took out some fruit from a satchel he had hanging on the wall. “Here take these, that way you can show your friends where you disappear to. Maybe Luke will like it here.” “How do you know about Luke?” “This is your world Chippy just like Thabo has his to escape from his moral dilemmas. Everyone who needs one has one.” “ Needs one? What’s the point of this place it scares me more than it helps me, so how is helping me?” “Stop asking so many questions and just live, you need to live Chippy, live in the world that you have created.” I stared at him for w while, I wasn’t so scared anymore, but there was a part of me that still didn’t trust him. What he said to me was great, but because of the way he looked I could not bring myself to believe him entirely. “You are safe here Chippy.”

“Now Chippy, you will wake up soon, but like I said you will yourself in and out of here and should you want to bring a friend, share the fruit with them.” He handed me the fruit, it was a strange tuber shape, it had an orange glow like fire and at the top and the bottom it had silver leaves, that shimmered with it’s movement. I took the fruit, held it and he gave me a satchel. Then he said: “Travel with each one by eating a portion of the fruit and holding their hand. Then will yourself, to your nivarna, you paradise or whatever you choose to call it.”


He started towards the door. “You must go home now.” I walked out of his place and out of the gate, I headed towards the river. As I was walking someone grabbed my arm. “Chippy! What were you doing with that monster? Chippy he is a liar, there are some things that we cannot take from this world, there are things that we cannot do. You can’t take big things like people or animals from here or there and expect things to be ok there needs to be a balance between the two. I heard and saw what he gave you… “He was starting to sound faint, I couldn’t here what he was saying to clearly. “Keep the balance Chippy…”

I woke up suddenly as if from a nightmare. I was standing in the door way next to the kitchen. I was dressed in the red ochre clothing I had in the dream, I was carrying the satchel Sgoloza gave me. I was tired and it felt like the beads on my ankles were too tight. I took out the fruit, it’s glow was dimmer than it was in the dream, I wanted to put it in the fridge but I decided not to. I walked upstairs. There was silence in Tasha’s room. I hurried to my room so she couldn’t see me – not in the clothes that I was in. More than anything I was confused, this enchanted place that I kept going to Sgoloza kept insinuating that I had created it in my head, but it didn’t feel like it came from my head, that place was strange, it scared me I never understood how it was supposed to be a sanctuary. Maybe fear made me feel a little better.











































Chapter 27

Tasha was dead. She had come home on Sunday night and slit her wrists and the veins on her throat. I am not sure why she did that, I mean, it wasn’t really the end of the world was it. I only noticed when I went into her room to see if she had gone to work. I sat on the chair in her room, is at there for hours I couldn’t figure out what to do.

After sitting by her side for five hours I took a shower, called the police and her parents. I sat on the couch down stairs and waited, there was a knock on the door. I walked to the door and opened. It was Nqaba, I cried – he held me I cried until his t-shirt was soaked. We walked inside, he asked what was happening. I took his hand and led him upstairs, I showed him Tasha. He cried. We went downstairs and sat in the dark and waited. He held my hand the entire time. The bell rang, the cops were here, Tasha’s parents shortly after that. Her mom screamed for hours, her sister cleaned the blood and wept. Nqaba and I sat on the couch holding hands. He looked at me I stared into space. Tasha’s dad, kept pacing up and down the house. I wanted to will myself away, but I couldn’t I did not have the strength in me to do anything. Tasha’s mom screamed louder and louder. The security knocked on the door. Nqaba answered, the neighbours complained. He said: “We cant keep it down, someone just died here.” The security told him that he didn’t live there. He shut the door, came back sat next to me, held my hand, and stared at me.

An ambulance came and picked up the body, took her to the mortuary and isat on the couch with Nqaba next to me. He held my hand tight. “ Chippy, you cant sleep here, come over to my house.” I didn’t answer, he went upstairs rummaged through my room and found my pyjamas. he came back down, kissed me on the forehead, picked me up and we walked to his apartment. We went into his room, I did not even change into my pyjamas. I sobbed the whole night, sleep never came to visit. Nqaba sat on a chair the whole night. He watched over me like a king’s guard.

When the sun rose he rose too, stretched his beautiful body and left the room. I sat up and prayed. I couldn’t cry. Vusa called, I told him what happened, he cried then he pissed me off he said: “Oh well I guess we wont be eating that scary food anymore.” I wanted to drop the phone on him. He realised he was wrong and apologised. After that I recived calls from everyone. Well, everyone except for Luke.













Chapter 28

I hate funerals, but I had to honour her memory. Everyone was there. Nqaba came with me. Jabulani’s daughter kept staring at me, I tried not to look. I couldn’t concerntrate on anything I had not slept the whole week. Thabo kept texting me. He wanted to know if Nqaba and I were and item. He said ‘I didn’t know that we could bring dates to the funeral’ The next one said: ‘Who is that guy? He looks like he’s a dork.’ Then the next one: ‘Oh, so have you chosen him to hold your hand through this ordeal, after we have been your friends through the bad times with Luke… now you don’t even reply to our goddamn sms’s.’ He was making me sick, I could not believe that he was having jealousy issues at a funeral.

Nqaba kept patting me on the back, but I was not crying. Vusa rocked up late wearing a black Lace dress that I recognised from my wardrobe. Vusa needed to give me my spare key back or else I was going to beat him like a redheaded step child. He was not the only person that walked in late. Luke walked in too and then right there my grief hit me hard. I wept really hard. Nqaba held me tight, he whispered a song in my ear… I knew the song. When he sang the voice changed from his to a sweeter voice I flew away and I left the funeral I sat on a branch in a tree. I saw butterfireflies flying all around me and they sang ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’ I started feeling like a cheesy cartoon and I started snapping out of it. Heard Nqaba’s voice again, he stopped singing and kissed my cheek. Luke was watching. He swallowed. Nqaba kept patting my back. He was holding my hand with one hand and I put the other hand on top of our hands too. He kissed my forehead, he got up. “I am going to the car I need to get something.” I received another text. It was Thabo. ‘Now I know why you brought a date’ I wanted to shut him up, but then another sms came in ‘string arrested for drug possession, don’t worry Thom dealing with it.

I showed Nqaba the sms, he asked me who String was… I said a friend. He looked at me I could see he was wondering whether I was on drugs or not. I could feel Luke’s glare on us. It was our turn to get up and throw the sand in grave hole. Nqaba picked up sand and handed it to me and Luke, although it wasn’t his turn got up and followed us. He stood next to Nqaba I could see that he was sizing him up. We finished what we had to do and I held Nqaba’s hand and we walked away. Luke walked behind us. We made our way to the car, he walked past the car, then back and knocked on my window. I ignored him and told Nqaba to drive. He did as I told him. We drove away and I saw him standing there in rear view. I was not happy about what I did, so I cried a little. Nqaba, said that I would be ok. I thanked him.

We arrived at Tasha’s parents house, did our greeting I could not eat the food, I wasn’t hungry. I put money in the donation box and one of her cousins wrote my name down and the amount. Nqaba did the same. We went to sit down next to Tasha’s parents I told them how sorry I was and that I would pray for them. They thanked me. We got up to leave and Luke grabbed my arm. I gave him a deadly stare. Nqaba asked him to let go of my arm and we left.
“Whose the black redhead?” I laughed, when you think about it Luke was a black redhead. “That was Luke.” I was not going to explain any further. “Is there history there?” “It’s seems to me that there is history everywhere.” “Do you want to go get something to eat?” “I am not hungry; I could do with a nap though.” You can sleep at my place, I don’t think sleeping in that apartment will do you good.” “Thanks, but where will you sleep?” “Right next to you to make sure you don’t have nightmares.” He smiled at me and attempted to pull my nose, I really thought that this guy was cheesy.

My phone rang, it was Vusa… oh goodness he was going to ask me why I left him behind. “Yes, Vusa…” “Hey honey, I hope you are great I have an announcement to make.” “Ok. What is it?” “ I am outside I would to say it in person.” He dropped the phone. “Nqaba, I am going outside to meet Vusa for a second.” “oh ok give me your keys I will pack some of your stuff in the mean time.” Without thinking I handed him my keys. As I walked I realised what I had done and that he may be pushing a little too hard. Tasha was dead, he saw an opportunity.

































Chapter 29

Vusa was sitting in his car still in my dress, smiling. I got in he gave me a huge kiss on the cheek. “So, what is so important that it could not wait for Tasha’s coffin to be buried under sand.” “Honey, we will always be friends and I love you very much, but we are not getting younger and some of us are dying… like Tasha. Life is pretty short and the whole thing with Tasha made that pretty evident to me. So, when you told me the news earlier in the week I did what I had been dying… sorry wrong adjective. Ok what I am trying to say is I gave Carol a call and I told her I loved her and the next day I picked her up, we went to the magistrates court and got married. What do you think?” I was shocked. “That is great Vusa, but forgive me for not jumping up and down. Was that not a bit too… ummm impulsive?” “I love her.” In a perfect world that is all that should matter, but this world isn’t, have you thought it through?” I have been thinking this through for the past five years, you know that, I know that – I was going to end up with her anyway.” “you are right. Congratulations my love I am happy for you. Tasha would have been happy.” “yes she would have and she would have insisted that she cook a meal to celebrate.” We laughed for a while. Then I hugged him and got out of the car. I watched him drive away. I knew that I had lost the second friend in one week. Vusa, was not coming back, at least things were not going to be the same, I knew that, he knew that, but we all had to make that choice at the end of the day. He chose love, his heart, I respected that. He knew that as much as he loved his friends they were not what made him truly happy and Carol was that joy in his life. The unfortunate part was that she did not believe in us like he did and for that, he had to choose between the two worlds. I was happy with the one he chose. I wished that more people chose love and fought to love. To love themselves, to love someone else, to love that love when done right brought peace love joy and harmony. It filled you up so much that nothing else mattered except for that love. No matter how hard life might be out there, it didn’t matter, all that mattered was love. I was glad Vusa had found it. I was sure I had found it in Luke. It’s different when you have found it and the person next to you hasn’t that part is damaging. God had blessed Vusa with the most beautiful thing he had ever created, Vusa was in love and he had chosen to live in that love.














Chapter 30

I was now officially sleeping at Nqaba’s place, bathing and changing at mine, my pyjamas lived at his place though. He was a kind man, a kond man who tried his luck every now and again. My answer of course was I am not ready. On this particular day I sat around bored the entire day. I had jack shit to do. I tried to call Thabo his phone was off. That was weird it never happened.

Nqaba came into the house, I had not noticed when he left, he had mail with him. He handed me a letter. “This is for you my love.” Oh yeah he started calling me his love. I did not get that. I looked at the letter. Who would have written me a letter? It had a Cape Town return address I opened it. It said.

Chippy,

I hope this finds you well. There is a lot that I have wanted to share with you in the past few weeks. I have been confused and a nervous wreck, but the one thing that I was never confused about was my love for you. I have watched you go through hell and take shit from people that don’t deserve a second look from you. I have watched you act in inexplicable kindness and love, I have seen you grow from a crazy girl at Varsity into a feisty, strong woman who could take on the world if she wanted to. The more I watched you the more I loved you and when I began seeing you in my dreams… well, I believed that we could spend the rest of our lives together. I knew that if there was a woman out there who would understand the dual man that I am, that woman had to be you. I waited, then you looked me over for Luke, he tried to destroy everything you were and stole your dreams. You were hurt, I waited yet again and like short kid at a basketball game you looked me over. You chose that guy. I don’t know his name, but I am sure that I do not like him. I wanted you to choose me Chiipy, I know what you need to be happy, I know you, no-one knows your pain and joy like I do. I love you. I wanted you to be open and completely trusting of me, I loved the strong you, the vulnerable you, the angry not thinking you, and mostly the everyday optimistic you. You changed me in so many ways, I only started living after I met you and because of you I have decided to also do something that I have always wanted (besides you). Thom and I have moved to Germany. Although I do not love him I am in a fulfilling relationship with him. It’s a secret I have kept for a while. I hope we meet again one day, in a better place where you choose me and we can love each other for the rest of our lives.

All my love
Thabo.


I sobbed and sobbed, I cried until my shoulders moved up and down and my chest made heaving sounds, my tears were being caught by the letter. I could not believe I had lost Thabo. I took him for granted. I knew that, deep down inside I knew how he felt, but I just ignored him. I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to find him and tell him that I thought Nqaba was cheesy and we had nothing going on except that he was being the friend that I needed after what happened to Tasha. Nqaba walked in the room saw me sobbing and took the letter and read it. He looked at me and said. “I am sorry.” I had just lost another friend but I was also still grieving Luke… it was just too painful. I wanted it to all go away. I wanted to go see Carmello and Rudulpho.

“Nqaba.” “Yes, my love?” “I am going for a walk.” “Ok” I went to my house and got my car keys got my car and drove to Cat and Moose. I rang the bell, asked for Cramello the guy told me to come in. He looked at me long and hard then he said: “You a friend of Carmello and Rudulpho?” “Yeah. Are they here?” “No they left, Carmello woke up one day and remembered what she had forgotten, when she remembered she attacked the guy at AL.B’s he lost an eye and then she cursed him. She said that his body will be eaten by maggots whilst he is still alive. Rudulpho came to get her and no-one has heard from the two of them since.” I wanted to scream. Why was everyone leaving me? I got in the car and cried, I cried until a homeless guy knocked on my window and said he was sorry. I was tired of hearing how sorry people were.

I felt diabolically lonely. My heart had been ripped out of my chest. I did not know this world. I was desperate to go into my dream world. I decided to go see String in prison, it turned out String was pushing bigger drugs than we thought. (wait we didn’t even know he was pushing). When I got there I was nervous, I knew I looked terrible, but he looked ten times worse than I did. I asked him how he was and he cried. I filled him on on what had been going on he cried some more. I promised to come see him again. “And Lana?” His question sounded loaded. “I will come with her.” “No need.” I thought he was being all proud till I realised he was looking at someone behind me. It was Lana, she had a broken ankle and she was holding a trophy. She sat down and cried. “ I love you String, but you have been so stupid!” String started crying again. “Chippy, how are you, you look like you have been living with this idiot here.” “I am alive Lana.” I told her Thabo left and Vusa was married and that Tasha had died. She said: “I know, it’s crazy right. I knew it when I won first place and the when I got off the podium I broke my ankle. I knew that the world had gone crazy at once. The most unlikely things are happening. But string you were stupid. You need to think…” “Lana, Chippy… I want you guys to keep praying for me and don’t let my parents know where I am. Please, please… I need you to send them money when you can, when I am out of here I will pay it back.” “don’t worry about that String Lana and I will take care of things.” “You guys have to go now… and Lana… I love you.”











Chapter 31


When I got home I really did not feel like seeing Nqaba, so I went to my place, I sat on the couch and stared into space for a while. I drifted into a sweet dreamless sleep. When I woke up at noon the next day I was even more tired than I had been going to bed. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I noticed how puffy my eyes were. It was a week and a half’s worth of tears. Whoever said that when things fall apart they fall apart at the same time was right. It seems I had all the fun I could have and now I was paying one friend at a time. I brushed my teeth slowly, my gums were bleeding. The blood got mixed up with the tooth paste and I kept spitting out pink liquid. I went to my room and searched for something to wear. I noticed Vusa had been in there, my black lace dress lay on my bed. I put it on, it smelt like him. I put on some shoes and a hat and picked a bag. I had nowhere to go. I was just getting dressed. I went downstairs, sat on the couch and waited for a better day.

The door bell rang, I hesitated, then I figured it could be Tasha’s parents coming for her stuff. I opened without answering the intercom. Then minutes later there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and almost fell to my knees in grief, joy, love, shock, fear and devastation. It was Luke. He stood there like he had just left yesterday. I let him in. He walked into the house and looked around. He sat on the couch. He was wearing a biker jacket that I got him. He sat down. I could see that he had a lot to say. I offered him coffee and he declined.

I nervously moved around the house, I had no idea what to say to him, I wanted to tell him everything that had happend since we had been apart but I also wanted to scream at him and tell him what a terrible person he was. Instead I walked up stairs. “ I will be back in a minute.” “Hurry I have to be somewhere else” That comment annoyed me. I did not invite him here in the first place. He made me angry. I got to my room and saw the satchel that Sgoloza gave me. I opened the satchel and took out the glowing fruit. It was glowing more than ever. In my anger I took a bite chewed and kept biting, I stopped. Walked back downstairs with the fruit in hand and sat next Luke. He didn’t notice the fruit he was too lost in what he came for that he did not see the strange thing that I was holding.

I sat down on the other end of the couch. “So what brings you here?” “Well, first of all, I came to pick up my paintings. And also, what the hell is up with you having a public display at your friend’s funeral, if you think I cared, I didn’t. I don’t care about you.” “It was not a display, the guy was trying to comfort…” “Shit the Fuck up I am talking! See you talk shit what you just said does not make any sense, you are fucking stupid bra… all you ever do is defend yourself. You are unbelievable being the same old whore you are at your friend’s funeral. You know you an embarrassment to anyone you have ever known right. When I look at you I want to vomit!” He was driving me mad! I kept nibbling on the fruit. What he was saying was not new, it sounded the same all the time. When he spoke he made it a point to put me down. I looked down at the fruit I had finished it and he was still talking. “I don’t get it, when I met you I was excited, I was happy that I was dating a creative girl but you are nothing you proved to be nothing. You know you are so useless I have learnt nothing from you… I wanted to learn from you, but you are just like them, the people on the street you are useless and untalented.” Funny I wasn’t untalented when he took my play and made it his. He went on and on and all I could feel was more and more anger. Why was he here? Why would he come all this way to come and put me down. I had had the worst week and he came to dump crap on me. I lost it. I looked at him held his hand and said: “I have waited to do this for six months. Now it’s my turn to make the statement.” “Fuck you, bitch leave my… What the Fuck!” I had willed us into my dream place. And for the first time since I had known him (10 years) Luke went silent. He was at a loss for words. We arrived by the grey river. He pulled his hand away and fell on his knees. He looked around. He looked at me and said. “Take me home, take me home now!” I tried, I tried to will us back. “ I don’t know how to take us back I just know how to get here.” I sat down. “ I am going to kill you.” I had to run.

































Chapter 32

I could hear them, I don’t think Luke could but when I slept at night I could hear them praying. They prayed for two things. They prayed that God heal us and wake us up for the many years of sleep that we had been in. But, sometimes they prayed for the one thing that scared me. They prayed that he take us. That he stop our suffering of being stuck between death and life. They just didn’t know how alive we were, but just in another world. Our lives carried on in another place. The day I held Luke’s hand, I trapped both of us in my dream. For every bite of the fruit that I had taken, I had stolen a year of our lives from the real world at this point I must have taken ten bites. I had messed with the balance, but I had to survive.

I had been on the run for most of my years, Luke had been chasing me. He wanted to go home and I had no idea how to get him there. The fruit had to wear off I had taken many bites and those bites became years. I found that to run I had to create more portals to move through. I controlled everything in my mind except for Luke, I could not predict his actions like I could with everything that was going on. All I could do was keep creating a world that I believed he would be happy in, but he was relentless he pursued me for years and because I desperately loved him, I would let him find me and then I would create a portal so I could escape. I also enjoyed punishing him, but I had grown tired. Ten years was a long time and a part of me was lonely, I longed to be a mother, I longed to be with him, but I also wondered how Nqaba was.

I had made a home of many places, due to my running from Luke. But my favourite home was the tree that Sgoloza had lived in. There was something about a hollow tree that made me want to stay, my other favourite place was when I recreated my parents home. As there years went by my imaginings became duller and duller, and the creatures disappeared and became extinct one by one, I knew that my time was running out. I just was not dure if I had time in the real world either. I figured it was time for Luke to find me, so I sat and waited.

Luke looked older, all these years I had been running from him and I had never gotten a good look at him. He had a beard and his posture was not as straight as it used to be, but he looked ok. Well fed even. I could not remember my meals. I wondered if I would die in the real world if he killed me in my dream world, I wondered how things would turn out. He looked at me. “ Chippy we have been here a long time.” “It’s been ten years.” “ That doesn’t matter anymore, I am lonely, I have missed you. Somehow whatever came between us out there does not matter anymore. I cant remember. Ok I can, I know I behaved badly, but … I know that we are trapped here, but if we are going to live in a world where we are the only two people in it, only two normal looking people that is, then maybe we were meant to be together. I never did stop loving you Chippy. The day we ended up here… well I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I was in a jealous rage about the guy at the funeral. Chippy, I could not control the monster in me and you brought the worst out of me. I am not sure what to say to you.” I kept quiet and looked at him. He looked tired. I gave him water. He came to me and held me tight. We both cried and then we lay together. He became the Luke that I had loved that I had let past the pearly white gates and to him, to him I guess I was the Chippy that changed his world.

I woke up the next day, I was in a hospital room My belly was so swollen I could not see past it. My mother was praying beside my bed. I nudged her. She woke up in shock. She cried. She told me I was carrying twins. No one could explain how it happened. She showed me the scans. I was awake, but Luke, Luke went somewhere else. Luke died when I woke up. Our parent’s prayers had both been answered. I knew that Luke was inside me.


…The end…